My LiT “anniversary”

Discuss the fabulous movie Lost In Translation!

Moderator: Bob

Post Reply
Message
Author
User avatar
52FM
Inactive/Deleted user
Posts: 562
Joined: Fri May 20, 2005 3:49 pm

My LiT “anniversary”

#1 Post by 52FM » Tue Apr 18, 2006 12:11 pm

I figure that sometime this week last year I saw LiT. Actually, those who read most of my posts about it may recall that I only saw it once – and that was probably only the last hour of it.

As I hit this milestone of sorts I reflect on all that’s happened – and all that hasn’t happened – in this year.

A very quick synopsis: the movie hit me hard because it reminded me of a Bob/Charlotte situation I was in many years ago. One that ended horribly – rather than a great ending like they had that was really final – I had a great ending that I undid – and in the end my world fell apart. “Charlotte” eventually became disgusted with me despite all the help I gave her and emotions that I trusted her with. My wife not only didn’t understand but was convinced I was looking for a physical affair. Perhaps out of anger of being made to feel like “The other woman” or simply because I was no longer there to help her with her job – “Charlotte” filed a sexual harassment complaint – which resulted in a demotion, pay cut, and years of emotional pain.

But like Bob, this didn’t start in a vacuum. My wife and I had issues – issues that ran so deep (I only recently began to see how deep) that I never felt I could effective deal with them directly with her. After my disaster with Charlotte I numbed myself to those issues, and they only got worse because I subserviently felt I deserved the attitude and treatment; treatment I had received for years leading up the Charlotte incident in the first place.

I could not have been more sorry, more ashamed, more remorseful, and more empathetic to the personal impact my behavior had on my wife. What should have been an ephemeral and special connection between two people turned into a situation where the trust we had was destroyed.

But the fact is, it took my wife way too many years to finally forgive me; and then it took me longer than that to finally forgive myself. I was never truthful on this board of the length of time this was – but the incident with Charlotte (which was 18 months in total) ended 16 years ago last summer. I never felt full forgiveness from my wife even up to then.

It took weeks, maybe months, after seeing LiT to realize I felt shame and guilt over so many things – and a realization that I essentially lost many years of my life giving up who I was. First – I had to get the forgiveness from my wife – she was never shy about throwing it back in my face despite the remorse I had so often shown. Finally, after seeing LiT and feeling how I did, she did it for what turned into the last time. I made her see the unfairness and the hurt I felt each time she shot me down with it. That handled, it was time to forgive myself – and handle maturely the issues that I allowed myself to be controlled over.

So I started conversations with my wife- and I naively thought we would in a matter of months get things worked out. I was met with incredible resistance – a total lack of desire to even acknowledge that the problems I was talking about were anything but my fault. I wont’ detail the frustration, the anger, the hopelessness that kept creeping in. Instead, I will simply say that I felt an incredible desire to keep trying and not give up – and there was in actuality in effect an angel or a guiding light that seemed to pick me up each time I fell and kept me going.

That angel or guiding light or spirit came to me, when it’s all said and done, from having seen this wonderful movie.

As a result, I’ve become a very different person. In fact, I’ve become “me”: again. Also, as a result, my wife has now admitted her role in creating the crises we have in our marriage. We have discussed counseling too many times to count, and just recently found someone we are both comfortable with. We will start in June (due in part to work commitments on my side, we have to wait that long). I have some serious concerns going in – fears or lack of trust that perhaps my wife will never understand the impact her behavior had on me. That at this point in our lives (each in our mid-fifties) she simply wants to forget the past and somehow enjoy a peaceful life together.

That is not enough for me – I want us to truly love each other again as we did over 30 years ago when we said “I do”. I believe it can happen – and I’ve come too far to give up now or consider what I’d do if it doesn’t. She said recently to me “I see now that I really needed you to kick me in a**.” Well, it’s more than that – it’s about a certain respect and dignity that was lacking for literally decades – and I know that once she comes face to face with the impact that had – I can then truly forgive her and we can move on to (hopefully) our last 30 years living in love and happiness.

I want to thank many people who along the way have helped me – either by responses to posts, or PMs, or just reading what I wrote, or primarily creating and sustaining this community where I always find solace. There are people I would like to thank publicly, but I suspect it may embarrass them. So my thoughts are for everyone for creating the atmosphere that led me to the spirit or light or angel – words fail me in trying to describe this – that has literally changed my life and figuratively woke me up. A very appropriate place for this to have happened – I am awake and not lost any more.


This is not goodbye – just marking a milestone. I hope, in a few months, I’ll be giving you an update that will mark our solidifying our marriage in a lasting way.
"Willoughby. Next stop is Willoughby."

User avatar
You Make it Easy
Charlie Brown
Posts: 101
Joined: Fri Apr 15, 2005 9:35 am
Contact:

#2 Post by You Make it Easy » Tue Apr 18, 2006 3:16 pm

yet another reason this film is so powerful to all of us here. That is quite story I hope that you and your wife finally work everything out in counseling come this June. In this day of age with so many people divorce one another its amazing that you two are still together through those hard times and it shows a lot of strength in your relationship.
Waiting to be found...

User avatar
hull_street
WooHoo Guy
Posts: 181
Joined: Thu Jun 24, 2004 9:05 pm
Location: Baltimore, MD

#3 Post by hull_street » Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:23 pm

Thank you for sharing that, 52FM. I believe your wife is right. There is no need to hash out the mistakes of the past. What's done is done. The important thing is how you choose to approach each other now, in the moment. And the moment after that. The ride is a long one, but that doesn't mean you need to carry extra baggage with you.

There is something about this film that has the power to just grab the core of your soul and shake it. A neat trick for a film where "nothing happens". I've come to the conclusion that LiT is not a film that should be watched with other people. It is a film to be meditated on by the individual.

We all come to this place with different backgrounds and life experiences, and come away with different things from it. But the feelings LiT brings out in us, and allows us the chance to examine, are common: Lost chances, guilt, shame, regret. Hope. Love. A chance to reflect on our own behavior in the situations we have found ourselves in during our lives, and the choices we make in how we relate to others around us.

Maybe the real gift of this film is that it allows us to consider our place in the lives of others, and others in our own. And how even the smallest smile in an elevator can grow into a positive, life-changing experience, given the chance.

User avatar
Flyonthewall
WooHoo Guy
Posts: 153
Joined: Sat Mar 25, 2006 4:57 am
Location: Los Angeles, CA

#4 Post by Flyonthewall » Wed Apr 19, 2006 1:57 am

thanks for sharing 52FM

I sincerely hope the best for you and your wife. Im quite sure you will be telling us in the near future about how everything has worked out well for you.

Like what hull_street said...The film just grabbed at me and shook my soul by making me see the similarities between Bob's situation and my own and meditate on it.. on my own.

I guess while we all look for our own "Charlotte" or "Bob", we cant help but be aware and appreciate the effect the little connections we make that may not last, but do end up staying with us for the rest of our lives.

I learned to appreciate that even though I've separated from my ex, I love my 2 boys and want to be with them to be their dad.. as Bob pointed out. :D

who knows, maybe "Charlotte" is still out there somewhere and she's looking for me too.. lol
"...Stay here, with me...."

The Search for Charlotte continues....

I65
Inactive/Deleted user
Posts: 410
Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2005 3:47 pm

#5 Post by I65 » Thu Apr 20, 2006 1:38 pm

Yes 52, thanks for sharing with us.

Yours is really a beautiful story of love, commitment, responsibility, and courage.

The selflessness that you displayed to keep your family together in what could have ended tragically, and your journey back to self discovery.

When you come out here in the months to come, to tell us how about how your marriage has continued to solidify, your story will then become a true "romance" in every sense of the word.

Everyone who has had a chance to share in your story, is lucky. You should truly be an inspiration to anyone who wants to have a lasting, loving relationship in their life.

Keep us posted as your journey progresses!

User avatar
52FM
Inactive/Deleted user
Posts: 562
Joined: Fri May 20, 2005 3:49 pm

#6 Post by 52FM » Thu Apr 20, 2006 5:38 pm

Thank you everyone for the kind responses!

It's tough to think of myself as selfless as Ith describes it - since the act that precitipated so much of the trouble was in fact selfish (that is, enjoying Charlotte's company so much that I refused to stick to the ending I knew had to be - and then being blinded to the effects on my wife and on Chralotte and on me and on my kids).

But then I remind myself always that my relationship with her did not begin as a selfish act - it was a connection that in many ways was precipitated by controlling attitudes and lack of dignity/respect by my wife (that she acknowledges today). Further - I did in fact see its effect, albeit too late. (In fact, I saw it due to my wife's intervention.) But that shoudl have been the beginning of our healing - at least after some amount of time for her to be able to forgive me as I so often expressed deep regret. Instead, it acted as a reason for her to retaliate (and those are her words, not mine).

For 16 years; on top of at least 5 leading up to Charlotte.

So I guess in that sense it's selfless - since many men would have walked - or ran. And I didn't or coudln't and can't or won't still until I give this every real opportunity to get worked out right.

Hull-street: I agree with your sentiment on letting the past be past; however that can't happen in my mind until I know my wife fully has seen the negative impact she had on me. Without that, there is no real change - jsut a regret that it came to this - and a nagging fear in my mind that it's only a matter of time before it begins yet again. I have no desire to go through this in 10 years when I'm 65 and not in a frame of mind to even consider any alternative other than putting up with the unhappiness. This has to get settled correctly this time around, or not at all. Not meaning to disagree - just giving some more background.

Ith said: "You should truly be an inspiration to anyone who wants to have a lasting, loving relationship in their life." That's a wonderful sentiment - and thank you very much. But I have to counter with the fact that I got a lot of inspiration from the spirit of many people here - and from the spirit of LiT.

I may someday write a letter to Sofia giving her some idea of the impact her movie had on my life directly and therefore others indirectly.

(I guess I 'forgive' her for Godfather 3!)


Again - thanks to everyone here. I love this community and plan to be part of it as long as it's around. (In fact, I've been subvertly trying to recruit some new members. I hope I'm successful!)
"Willoughby. Next stop is Willoughby."

Guest

#7 Post by Guest » Sat Apr 22, 2006 1:08 am

Wow.

Yes I wish Sofia knew the impact that her movie has had on people.

Yours is really a beautiful story of love, commitment, responsibility, and courage.
Sounds like a perfect movie of the week! :D

User avatar
52FM
Inactive/Deleted user
Posts: 562
Joined: Fri May 20, 2005 3:49 pm

#8 Post by 52FM » Thu Jul 13, 2006 10:14 am

Counseling can be a long road - and a lonely one at that. Two steps forward, one back. One step forward, two back. I can see the goal from here, but we don't seem to get any closer.

But we both care - just have very different approaches. The counselor I'm sure sees that all the time, and so at times he will speak to each of us separately. My first such individual session went very well - so much to say, so little time in one hour. But it felt good to be honest and not have to worry about my wife reacting to how I feel - let the feeligns out and sort through the reasons behind them without worrying about hurt feelings or anger or anything. I'm sure my wife will feel the same way when it's her turn.

On a Disney board I post on from time to time, we wish each other P&PD during tough times. (Prayers and Pixie Dust.) I've never talked about this on that board, so humor me and wish me the LiT equivalent of P&PD!
"Willoughby. Next stop is Willoughby."

Post Reply