My LiT “anniversary”
Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 12:11 pm
I figure that sometime this week last year I saw LiT. Actually, those who read most of my posts about it may recall that I only saw it once – and that was probably only the last hour of it.
As I hit this milestone of sorts I reflect on all that’s happened – and all that hasn’t happened – in this year.
A very quick synopsis: the movie hit me hard because it reminded me of a Bob/Charlotte situation I was in many years ago. One that ended horribly – rather than a great ending like they had that was really final – I had a great ending that I undid – and in the end my world fell apart. “Charlotte” eventually became disgusted with me despite all the help I gave her and emotions that I trusted her with. My wife not only didn’t understand but was convinced I was looking for a physical affair. Perhaps out of anger of being made to feel like “The other woman” or simply because I was no longer there to help her with her job – “Charlotte” filed a sexual harassment complaint – which resulted in a demotion, pay cut, and years of emotional pain.
But like Bob, this didn’t start in a vacuum. My wife and I had issues – issues that ran so deep (I only recently began to see how deep) that I never felt I could effective deal with them directly with her. After my disaster with Charlotte I numbed myself to those issues, and they only got worse because I subserviently felt I deserved the attitude and treatment; treatment I had received for years leading up the Charlotte incident in the first place.
I could not have been more sorry, more ashamed, more remorseful, and more empathetic to the personal impact my behavior had on my wife. What should have been an ephemeral and special connection between two people turned into a situation where the trust we had was destroyed.
But the fact is, it took my wife way too many years to finally forgive me; and then it took me longer than that to finally forgive myself. I was never truthful on this board of the length of time this was – but the incident with Charlotte (which was 18 months in total) ended 16 years ago last summer. I never felt full forgiveness from my wife even up to then.
It took weeks, maybe months, after seeing LiT to realize I felt shame and guilt over so many things – and a realization that I essentially lost many years of my life giving up who I was. First – I had to get the forgiveness from my wife – she was never shy about throwing it back in my face despite the remorse I had so often shown. Finally, after seeing LiT and feeling how I did, she did it for what turned into the last time. I made her see the unfairness and the hurt I felt each time she shot me down with it. That handled, it was time to forgive myself – and handle maturely the issues that I allowed myself to be controlled over.
So I started conversations with my wife- and I naively thought we would in a matter of months get things worked out. I was met with incredible resistance – a total lack of desire to even acknowledge that the problems I was talking about were anything but my fault. I wont’ detail the frustration, the anger, the hopelessness that kept creeping in. Instead, I will simply say that I felt an incredible desire to keep trying and not give up – and there was in actuality in effect an angel or a guiding light that seemed to pick me up each time I fell and kept me going.
That angel or guiding light or spirit came to me, when it’s all said and done, from having seen this wonderful movie.
As a result, I’ve become a very different person. In fact, I’ve become “me”: again. Also, as a result, my wife has now admitted her role in creating the crises we have in our marriage. We have discussed counseling too many times to count, and just recently found someone we are both comfortable with. We will start in June (due in part to work commitments on my side, we have to wait that long). I have some serious concerns going in – fears or lack of trust that perhaps my wife will never understand the impact her behavior had on me. That at this point in our lives (each in our mid-fifties) she simply wants to forget the past and somehow enjoy a peaceful life together.
That is not enough for me – I want us to truly love each other again as we did over 30 years ago when we said “I do”. I believe it can happen – and I’ve come too far to give up now or consider what I’d do if it doesn’t. She said recently to me “I see now that I really needed you to kick me in a**.” Well, it’s more than that – it’s about a certain respect and dignity that was lacking for literally decades – and I know that once she comes face to face with the impact that had – I can then truly forgive her and we can move on to (hopefully) our last 30 years living in love and happiness.
I want to thank many people who along the way have helped me – either by responses to posts, or PMs, or just reading what I wrote, or primarily creating and sustaining this community where I always find solace. There are people I would like to thank publicly, but I suspect it may embarrass them. So my thoughts are for everyone for creating the atmosphere that led me to the spirit or light or angel – words fail me in trying to describe this – that has literally changed my life and figuratively woke me up. A very appropriate place for this to have happened – I am awake and not lost any more.
This is not goodbye – just marking a milestone. I hope, in a few months, I’ll be giving you an update that will mark our solidifying our marriage in a lasting way.
As I hit this milestone of sorts I reflect on all that’s happened – and all that hasn’t happened – in this year.
A very quick synopsis: the movie hit me hard because it reminded me of a Bob/Charlotte situation I was in many years ago. One that ended horribly – rather than a great ending like they had that was really final – I had a great ending that I undid – and in the end my world fell apart. “Charlotte” eventually became disgusted with me despite all the help I gave her and emotions that I trusted her with. My wife not only didn’t understand but was convinced I was looking for a physical affair. Perhaps out of anger of being made to feel like “The other woman” or simply because I was no longer there to help her with her job – “Charlotte” filed a sexual harassment complaint – which resulted in a demotion, pay cut, and years of emotional pain.
But like Bob, this didn’t start in a vacuum. My wife and I had issues – issues that ran so deep (I only recently began to see how deep) that I never felt I could effective deal with them directly with her. After my disaster with Charlotte I numbed myself to those issues, and they only got worse because I subserviently felt I deserved the attitude and treatment; treatment I had received for years leading up the Charlotte incident in the first place.
I could not have been more sorry, more ashamed, more remorseful, and more empathetic to the personal impact my behavior had on my wife. What should have been an ephemeral and special connection between two people turned into a situation where the trust we had was destroyed.
But the fact is, it took my wife way too many years to finally forgive me; and then it took me longer than that to finally forgive myself. I was never truthful on this board of the length of time this was – but the incident with Charlotte (which was 18 months in total) ended 16 years ago last summer. I never felt full forgiveness from my wife even up to then.
It took weeks, maybe months, after seeing LiT to realize I felt shame and guilt over so many things – and a realization that I essentially lost many years of my life giving up who I was. First – I had to get the forgiveness from my wife – she was never shy about throwing it back in my face despite the remorse I had so often shown. Finally, after seeing LiT and feeling how I did, she did it for what turned into the last time. I made her see the unfairness and the hurt I felt each time she shot me down with it. That handled, it was time to forgive myself – and handle maturely the issues that I allowed myself to be controlled over.
So I started conversations with my wife- and I naively thought we would in a matter of months get things worked out. I was met with incredible resistance – a total lack of desire to even acknowledge that the problems I was talking about were anything but my fault. I wont’ detail the frustration, the anger, the hopelessness that kept creeping in. Instead, I will simply say that I felt an incredible desire to keep trying and not give up – and there was in actuality in effect an angel or a guiding light that seemed to pick me up each time I fell and kept me going.
That angel or guiding light or spirit came to me, when it’s all said and done, from having seen this wonderful movie.
As a result, I’ve become a very different person. In fact, I’ve become “me”: again. Also, as a result, my wife has now admitted her role in creating the crises we have in our marriage. We have discussed counseling too many times to count, and just recently found someone we are both comfortable with. We will start in June (due in part to work commitments on my side, we have to wait that long). I have some serious concerns going in – fears or lack of trust that perhaps my wife will never understand the impact her behavior had on me. That at this point in our lives (each in our mid-fifties) she simply wants to forget the past and somehow enjoy a peaceful life together.
That is not enough for me – I want us to truly love each other again as we did over 30 years ago when we said “I do”. I believe it can happen – and I’ve come too far to give up now or consider what I’d do if it doesn’t. She said recently to me “I see now that I really needed you to kick me in a**.” Well, it’s more than that – it’s about a certain respect and dignity that was lacking for literally decades – and I know that once she comes face to face with the impact that had – I can then truly forgive her and we can move on to (hopefully) our last 30 years living in love and happiness.
I want to thank many people who along the way have helped me – either by responses to posts, or PMs, or just reading what I wrote, or primarily creating and sustaining this community where I always find solace. There are people I would like to thank publicly, but I suspect it may embarrass them. So my thoughts are for everyone for creating the atmosphere that led me to the spirit or light or angel – words fail me in trying to describe this – that has literally changed my life and figuratively woke me up. A very appropriate place for this to have happened – I am awake and not lost any more.
This is not goodbye – just marking a milestone. I hope, in a few months, I’ll be giving you an update that will mark our solidifying our marriage in a lasting way.