Important "breakthrough" for me

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52FM
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Important "breakthrough" for me

#1 Post by 52FM » Tue Jul 12, 2005 2:57 pm

If you don’t care to read still more about my LiT situation and what I’ve been dealing with since seeing it, just close this post. But a number of events have come together in the past couple of weeks and continuing to write and think led me to a significant step to finally closing out this event in my life. (It’s about time – it’s been over 10 years.) I will try to spare the details – though I wouldn’t mind sharing them – but I am so pumped over this I had to share and I figured this was a good place. I’ve detailed more on IMDb in the past than here, but this is a better crowd overall.

(Bob – if you think this post is out of line – let me know and I will edit it or delete it.)

First – thank you, Sofia. This never would have happened without LiT. I doubt she ever reads these boards, but I needed to say that.

To summarize, I had a Bob/Charlotte situation that I actually ended in an LiT manner – but then decided to unclose it, with disastrous results. I inadvertently wound up making Charlotte feel like “the other woman” (we had strong feelings but not romantic). Ended up lying to my wife; making Charlotte question my intentions; the whole thing ended ugly. Charlotte went from admiring me, respecting me, caring about me – to utter contempt and disgust for me. But worse, I hurt my wife tremendously and betrayed her trust.

Over time - I understood what made me spiral down destructively; vowed to change myself; realized that I earned Charlotte’s contempt; accepted that as my fault.

Eventually I had earned back my wife’s trust; I had her forgiveness to an extent; she understood somewhat but not clearly; I had changed due to the significant emotional event; it was no longer an issue in our marriage (at least on the surface).

But the after seeing LiT in late April – I realized I had not forgiven myself for hurting my wife; I realized we never settled the marriage issues that in part led to the Bob/Charlotte situation in the first place. (My wife never saw LiT.)

Then it began to come together. I brought up our marriage issues and we made real progress – I know unequivocally now that my wife has forgiven me entirely; that she does in fact understand the Bob/Charlotte connection I had; that she even understands what made me want to continue it despite the self-destruction it led to; she even realized that if ended right it could have been a positive experience for me (her words). All this allowed me finally to forgive myself for hurting her; this is no longer an issue in our marriage at any level, and we’ve finally begun to work on the marriage issues that led to the situation in the first place.

Yet something was still missing. Not closure with Charlotte – that was impossible anyway. In the last couple of days I realized I forgave myself for everything I did to my wife but not how I felt about myself for turning something that could have been positive for me into such a disaster. I was too concerned about my wife’s feelings to even think of that. With her understanding and unconditional forgiveness that I finally feel, I gave myself permission to think of myself again. I realize I want to / wanted to think of myself as someone like “Bob” (except for the sleeping with the singer part); for a time someone else thought of me that way also; and she always would have if I ended it like I first attempted. Had that happened, LiT would have been a joyous affirmation of my difficult but correct handling of the situation. (Walking back to you is the hardest thing to do) instead of the kicked in the stomach feeling for not doing that.

And I see that now. I see that I did it right in the first place, and I realize that Bob had it easier since he and Charlotte were going home – not staying together and seeing each other every day like in my situation. Realizing it was “the hardest thing” for Bob to do also. Realizing my life was not a movie but had the messiness of real life and real human frailty. Who knows what would have happened if Bob and Charlotte saw each other every day? Just recently, don’t ask me how because it’s kind of strange and silly – yet it has to do with this board and IMDb – I finally realized I can forgive myself for this too.

Sorry for the emotion, but I actually feel like a fog has lifted or that a weight I didn’t even know I was carrying has been removed. I regret this insight came too late to prevent a misunderstanding with someone on another board, but I am very relieved it came at all.

I’m sorry this turned out longer than I wanted. I tried to cut it down but then it didn’t make much sense. Maybe it doesn’t anyway, but thanks for “listening”.

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WhoFeelsLove
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#2 Post by WhoFeelsLove » Tue Jul 12, 2005 5:01 pm

Well I mean the old cliche is right.. things take time. I'm very happy for you and your understanding and acceptance of your situation.

Coming to terms with things can be great and the support and understanding your wife gave must have made you feel great.
mike

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sw25
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#3 Post by sw25 » Tue Jul 12, 2005 9:37 pm

I think that forgiving yourself is the hardest, and it's why so many have a difficult time doing it.

To a less important extent, I often confuse my own refusal to forgive myself with that of other people. I've hurt someone, and been so wrapped up in my own self-loathing for having done so that I hound that person constantly, asking for closure and forgiveness when I've already received it (from everyone but myself).

I'm glad you've come to grips with your past. If anything, know that you've learned, and grown, and that all parties (except your "Charlotte") have been accounted for. You've done what you could. Take solace in that.

Plus, you know that real life is never like a movie. Don't feel ashamed that Bob was able to end it there and you weren't. As realistic as Sofia made her movie, I can guarantee you that many men would have done what you did. Sure, we all want that classic movie ending, but sometimes that doesn't translate well to our lives. Many a time has been "cheapened", so to speak, by our need for more.

That sort of thing is on display in Richard Linklater's Before Sunrise, if you've ever seen it. When we've made connections to people, it's sometimes extremely difficult to leave them alone.

I'm truly happy for you, moviefan.

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52FM
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#4 Post by 52FM » Wed Jul 13, 2005 3:27 pm

Thanks for the comments sw25 and WhoFeelsLove. Happily, I woke up this morning feeling the same way I did yesterday - I was afraid the comfort was temporary but it is not.

Things take time, as you said - but I really invested a lot of it in this and it is paying off. My wife's support is as you say a great feeling. We have tough times ahead but it will be easier with this baggage removed from me.

sw25 - once again my compliments on your insight: "When we've made connections to people, it's sometimes extremely difficult to leave them alone." Very true.

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52FM
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#5 Post by 52FM » Wed Jul 13, 2005 4:28 pm

Thanks for the comments sw25 and WhoFeelsLove. Happily, I woke up this morning feeling the same way I did yesterday - I was afraid the comfort was temporary but it is not.

Things take time, as you said - but I really invested a lot of it in this and it is paying off. My wife's support is as you say a great feeling. We have tough times ahead but it will be easier with this baggage removed from me.

sw25 - once again my compliments on your insight: "When we've made connections to people, it's sometimes extremely difficult to leave them alone." Very true.

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#6 Post by Congruous » Thu Jul 14, 2005 9:43 am

It's great you made all of this work for you. You propbably have more self-discipline than you thought. I bet your wife is pleasantly amazed.

Now, don't you owe all of us a $150 consultation fee? Cash only, no checks or credit cards, please.

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