my 'charlotte'

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silvermoon
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#141 Post by silvermoon » Wed Jan 11, 2006 10:01 pm

so, yesterday was a spectacularly weird day. again. and again...etc etc...she ended up being too busy to meet me, but it turns out it was because she went to help Jughead find a home and didnt tell me, even when i spoke to her when she was away and thought she hadnt gone anywhere. i asked her why and then she said she thought i would be surprised that she left. damn right, but i told her i was more surprised to find out when i eventually met her for 15mins. which, to be honest, wasnt the best of meetings, because i spent a bunch on flowers only for her to tell me she doesnt like flowers, she likes plants instead because they dont die within a week. and yes, she likes lilies, but she prefers big roses which you cant even get in this country. so much for 'its the thought that counts'...so i drop them off, and she tells me she is very tired because she just came back from helping Jughead, and so i leave. not a hint of passion between us, and even when i kissed her on the hand as i left there was little feeling in it.

i was fuming on my way back, went overboard with the alcohol, and was tipsy when she called again. she wanted to check up on me, because she felt guilty for cancelling on me. and then...she promised that she would spend all 24hrs with me on our 200th day together, even if she didnt believe in that sort of thing (its a cultural not personal celebration). so i told her i didnt mind about the 100 day thing because it wasnt my idea, but wanted to know why she didnt tell me she'd gone away. so she said, she was worried i would be surprised she had suddenly gone. yes, i was surprised, but more so because you were hiding it from me. i told her to tell me next time straight away, and if there was a reason for it i would try my best to understand, and she agreed. and then she asked me, do u think jughead and i are having an affair? she knew i had been concerned about it in the past, and in fact was pleased to hear that i did worry about them, i assume to show that i care enough to be possessive of her. i said, quite truthfully, strangely, no, i dont think so, and i dont worry about it so much anymore. and then, the weirdest thing of all...she said she was a little disappointed.

maybe she said it the wrong way (english is not her first language), but she explained that she thought it natural for people to get jealous and to worry, and wanted to know why i didnt worry about her. now, i've spent a long time mulling over this, looking over the evidence, and finally came to my personal conclusion that no, she wasnt having an affair. so i told her that i didnt worry because i love her, and part of that means learning to trust the other person, because, with boys and girls, there will always be close friends of the opposite sex. and an affair can happen at any time, but i had ultimately decided to trust her, trust that she loves me enough and wants to make good on her promise that she will be with me always, trust that she loves me and would do nothing to jeopardise that, or hurt me, or lose me. and tbh, the way she talks, about the 200th day, about meeting her parents, about learning her language and visiting her country in the future, i certainly do not think she would mention these things in such an offhand manner if our future was under threat. and she knows how i would react to an affair. and so i said these things, and she suddenly broke into a gentle laugh and said sincerely 'thank you for trusting me'. she asked if i understood why she went to help jughead, and i do, because of course they are still friends whether i like it or not, and she felt she needed to help him.

i was disappointed she didnt tell me, and she doesnt help matters by hiding it and giving me something to worry about, but i did understand. and, looking at it from all angles, i dont see how she could be confident of us (looking yrs into the future) if she had something so major to hide. she ended up thanking me 3 times for the same thing at different times, but her mood lightened and we spoke today for several hrs over the phone, in a very light hearted and relaxed manner. i think when she said she had gone to see jughead she had worried about how i would react, knowing how i felt about him, and made the mistake of hiding it, and accentuated the problem. and then she worried more about how i would react when she eventually told me, and my reaction was ultimately a relief. she still hasnt learnt to trust my ability to understand (delude myself??) and assumes the one-dimensional view of men in that they are incapable of thought and go straight to anger and jealousy. and i remind her that i'm different with things she does, things she says, and she is reassured. and now she seems very eager to talk to me and let me back in, and the mood is very good again.

but, there is always the nagging suspicion in the back of my mind that i'm being taken for a ride. of course, with everyone i talk to about her, they always tell me to assume the negative and protect myself. and of course, i dont want to get hurt. and tbh, in recent times i've found myself distancing myself from her a little emotionally, because of this doubt she casts. doing what she did when she first met me, withholding her heart to prevent it from getting broken. but then, looking at things from her tone of voice, the things she says and her body language, they all seem to suggest that this girl does actually sincerely see me in her future, and every time she talks about it it includes me. maybe this is the trouble you get with a girl who is so nice in so many ways, and so desirable, or maybe it has something to do with her past, or whatever. i dont see a problem, but she gives me reason to doubt her at times. which i really dont want to, because i tried to distance myself emotionally, tried and failed. every second that passes just intensifies my feelings for her and wishes that this period be over so that i can get back to being with her.

maybe i'm a fool, maybe i'm not. some things say no, others say damn yes. but then, being jealous means being human. so does loving her. i look at that promise, of being with me always, and see my greatest dreams, and the fear of losing it. because of her, because of myself. whatever, that would destroy me, and its too late to turn back. i can only hope my inner optimist isnt leading me down the wrong road. and hope, more than anything, that it will be ok.

P.S. and once again, the melodrama keeps on coming. or maybe its all in my head. so...the first movie would be about my previous charlotte, LiT style, and the sequel would be about my past ~100 days, apocalypse now style. seriously, theres material here for a 4hr bum-numbing epic. albeit one where 3 scenes, love, anger, then reconciliation, play over and over and over. and over. and once more for luck. you'd think by now i would've learnt to deal with it, or shut up, or both. i'm not mature and i'm a slow learner. and i annoy the HELL out of ppl...this is exhaustive, i'm looking for any excuse not to sleep so i revise tomorrow morning...oh dear...

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#142 Post by 52FM » Wed Jan 11, 2006 10:45 pm

I need to take more time to digest this, but some quick observations:

you handled the "aren't you worried about me" uestion perfectly in my estimation. Although at your age people (guys and girls both) like to play the little lovers games - you basically said you're not into to that (good for you) and so you're not going to react to them (even if they eat you up inside - hey, that's what WE'RE here for - to help you deal with that.)

You're backing off emotionally is a good thing - this is a journey whose final endpoint isn't known - and trying to force an ending can be disasterous. If you've got a few weeks, I'll give you a personal example.

She doesn't like flowers, but likes plants; so much for "it's the thought that counts"? God! She is related to my wife!!

Hang in there Silver - I thonk you're in a better frame of mind; she may be worth the emotional ride you['re going on so long as you maintain your perspective. (Again - that's what we're here for)!

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#143 Post by silvermoon » Thu Jan 12, 2006 10:13 pm

her reaction to those words seems to be very good. she was very happy on the night, her mood lightened immediately and i could tell it was exactly what she wanted to hear (and what i felt). i think she realises herself that trust is very hard to give, and jealousy is in a way a sign of caring for someone on one hand, but is also destructive. so she was pleased to hear that i did care for her very much, but at the same time had grown to the point where i could leave her alone without her having to worry about my state of mind. of course, i still am not 100% comfortable with it, which i told her, that i still dont much like hearing about her and jughead, but i can handle it a lot better now i think. so i think she sees me in a slightly different light, if not yet completely true to who i am. but hopefully that will come in time. also, an interesting note, it seems that we click better than anyone else she knew, because i am constantly reminded of this or that which she likes to hear or see (a kiss on the hand, giving her my jacket when it is cold, thinking her behaviour is sweet which noone else has said before). i keep hearing that i am the first person to do this, or say this, or think this, and she finds it very amusing but also i think very innocent, in some cases romantic, and others pleasing to hear. she said my ideas of what is sweet are very strange, but they match her behaviour. i think we compliment each other very well, and i still pleasantly surprise her with my actions, which of course is a nice sign. i need guidance every now and then, for instance with the flowers and plants situation (so much for that rather classical idea, right, 52FM...? :oops: ), but generally, my instincts prove to be correct. i'd like to thank my upbringing for instilling such traditional, and apparently desirable views of romanticism and gentlemanly behaviour. all this from a first timer, which i think throws her the most, because she often wrongly assumes that i am over-enthusiastic because she is my first gf, and try to overdo things when it really happens out of circumstance or bad advice from friends. but i'm pleased that i keep hitting the nail on the head with my actions.

today, i spoke to her, and she asked me to sing to her over the phone. i was stuck, ended up rambling, and got interrupted when she had to go meet her friends. so, i waited until she called back. which she didnt, for about 2hrs. so, i wondered why. then the phone rang, and as i went to answer it, there was a knock at the window. open the curtains, and there she was! no warning, nothing to suggest she would be here, and she had apparently travelled some way to get here. so of course i let her in, and had a lovely, altho very strange night. for one, i was challenged to do sumthing spectacularly stupid (it involved a block of cheese...), and ended up practically incapacitating myself. next, we basically horsed about, and 'charlotte' and i were very close, maybe because we hadnt seen each other for a while, maybe because of what i said to her the other day. but we were constantly embracing, in each others arms, resting on each others laps, lying in bed together. always laughing and smiling, altho perhaps because i was making such a fool of myself with my stupid antics. when it was late, she left to go home, and i delivered her back, and we said goodbye for the night at the entrance to her place. she asked for a hug, i delivered, and again, and then a kiss. i'd waited so long just for these little moments again, and i had very much hoped to stay the night with her, but i knew she would be busy the next day, i needed to work as well, and much to my disappointment it didnt happen. so we waved goodbye, and then i left. it was heart wrenching, i had waited so long to see her and it lasted just a few hrs, a terrific tease while i wait for the exam period to finish. its strange, generally speaking people tend to get bored of settling into a routine and are excited to break from it, but really, repetition with her in the way we shared before is all i could ever want, and never for it to change. i am getting worried about how our time after the exams will be, because i am actually concerned that she will begin to spend less time with me. of course this is not a healthy way to live, but every time i am with her it emphasises the mundanity of life without her. shes a drug, and as is the case in these situations, no amount will ever satisfy fully, and the end of a fix is just the beginning of a search for another. i'm getting withdrawals again, now worse than ever.

edit: today, the 13th, i had an even more wonderful day with her. i went to do work in the uni libraries near her home, and met up with her when she asked me to discuss some. we had spoken for a lot of time already today, and she had seemed to prompt me to meet her. we had chatted very casually and teased each other, and this continued when we met again. this is probably the most relaxed we've been in ages. there was nothing to blight the mood all night, we sat and worked and periodically caught each other watching the other, and smiled. i teased her for her lack of false modesty (every word she says about her own good looks, flawless complexion, and angelic disposition, a joke to her, is perfectly true), and she teased me for my babyface (every store clerk and cinema employee seems contractually obliged to mention this, and charlotte has a lot of fun at my expense). i'm 'her baby' apparently, and i'm perfectly happy to be. teasing nicknames come from a place of affection, which is always nice to hear. she has such innocence and lovely, sweet enthusiasm, its irresistable. at times like this its really a bit of a curse, because i know that come the end of the night i'll lose sleep once again, just like i did last night (i only remember tossing and turning, dreaming of her without sleeping). and thus its proved today, i'm in love and don't i just know it. i'm trying to concentrate and do some work (just a note, i'm not being irresponsible, i have all night to finish it) but i'm writing this instead. in a disgustingly adoring manner. she said once (a joke again, i assure you shes the most innocently modest person) that her smile is a lethal weapon, her stare will draw you in and never let go, her voice makes the absurd desirable ('go on, eat that block of cheese...' 'ok' :oops: ). i'm slain and loving it

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#144 Post by silvermoon » Sat Jan 14, 2006 1:35 am

its very late atm. recently i've become something of a creature of the night, emerging past midday each day to catch a few hrs of sunshine before i'm back to my natural habitat. this is perhaps reflected in the way i feel recently, when i've been away from my charlotte. the isolation of the night helps me to retreat to my thoughts, when i cannot physically be with her. i never expect to speak to anyone at these times, and havent done for many days. tonight, my phone rang, and i picked it up.

silence. and then, 'hello?' its charlotte. i laugh, and ask her why she isnt sleeping. i saw her a few hrs ago, and she said she was very tired. she told me she had tried to sleep but had been awake for hrs. she said, she doesnt always have it easy, and will sometimes have things on her mind. i didnt know what she meant, and she wouldnt say, but it didnt seem too serious from her tone, so i let it go. but i wondered nonetheless.

so we made small talk, talked about the exams, and what have you been doing for the past few hrs? nothing much, she says, a somewhat typical answer that i expect nowadays, but insist on asking anyway. and i suggest she should get some sleep, and she asks me if we can keep talking for another 5 mins, if you're not busy. i mildly panic and reassure her i'm not trying to cut her off, and then more small talk. i'm making dinner right now, and its going well, i say. my culinary skills are coming along, and i pass some of my knowledge onto her, and she tells me she can already make that. and then i go back to talking about why she cant sleep. and i tell her i couldnt sleep last night either. you cant sleep because you have something on your mind, i was the same as well last night. she insisted on knowing what i was thinking about, and with some hesitation, i tell her that after the night we had last night i was so happy i just laid in bed, tossing and turning but not sleeping because i was so happy i'd seen her again. and then she asked me, do you still like me? all i can manage is 'huh?'

what do you mean? i'll say straight off that yes, i do still like you, and my surprise is because i dont understand why you're asking me this. she said she was just wondering. any particular reason? no. and then a flurry of pointers: these past couple of days have just been amazing, and its been so long since i've been this happy. she says that we didnt even do anything today, just sat together and worked, and i said that thats what she means to me, that her presence is all i need. no comment from her. she says she noticed that i am nice to everyone, and didnt know if i was nice to her because its just who i am. and i say that i am generally a polite and nice person with most people, but with her, i'm different. shes different. i dont just love her, and then i check myself. i'm in love with you, i say, and i'm not sure if you know the difference the way we say it (bear in mind her foreign tongue), and she says she does. thats the first time i've said that, and made the distinction between loving and being in love. and she says she knows the difference. and i begin to wonder a million thoughts. because she asks me, do you think i love you? and now, the difference means everything, and i wonder what i mean to her again.

i say with trepidation that i think she does, and she asks me why do i think that? she asks me if i'm confident. and i say that, when she talks about her future, she mentions me, and that makes me happy, and gives me the impression she wants to be with me. she doesnt confirm or deny a thing. but i say that i want nothing more than to be with her, to share myself emotionally with her, to share my future with her. and she says, 'thank you'. i say she doesnt need to thank me, this is just how i feel. and she says, i'm thanking you for telling me, not because you feel that. and i sit there, say i'm confused, and ask her to tell me why she's asking these questions, is something on her mind. and she doesnt say much, except that she is tired and wants to sleep now. and, with a million thoughts whizzing through my head (i've forgotten enough that this thread should be 3 times longer), i let her go to sleep. i ask her finally if i should call her tomorrow like she said, and she says no, probably not. but i tell her that i hope that she will call me sometime, and i will call her tomorrow, because i need answers. she said that we shouldnt worry about this until after the exams, and thats a fair point. but i'm worrying anyway. my neurosis goes into overdrive, and i'm nothing but confused.

i think, and i hope, that it is because, like me, with our time apart she fears that my feelings for her have dissipated, and she needs reassurance (Lord knows i do...). but, this got me thinking. never mind the other person, how do we know, truly know, if we are in love with someone else? she wondered if i thought of her as a close friend, or a girlfriend, or what? i said that i love her, and she asked me, do you mean like a friend? i said again that i love her, and she says again, you can love friends. and then i said that it was more than that, being in love, and she got the idea. but, does she feel the same way? she fell asleep before she could say. and tbh, how do i know for sure? if i dont know about myself, how can i ever know about her? i told her i hope more than anything that i am right, but i cant be the one to say. and, like everything else tonight, there were no answers. its so complicated, but now i wonder the exact same things as her, am i just a very close friend to her? am i more? am i less?? i must find out, because once again i cant love her more than she loves me or else it wont work. simply, my feeling is that she does love me, in fact i think she loves me very much, but she is feeling insecure at the moment and digging for answers, hence the mystery. but the mystery means i cant know for sure. i can just hang on to the words shes said, that she fell deeply in love with someone, that she promised to be with him forever, that she loves him. words are just words. but how much truth?

edit: i've realised that i like difficult situations with charlotte because we both seem to be uncertain of the others true feelings, and even once established we fear they may change over time or through circumstance, but once we are passionately shouting our intentions at one another everything becomes crystal clear, and we have something concrete to work with. and it ends up being highly reassuring. i know what to say when i have the evidence to back it up, but i'm insecure and nervous when i dont know what she is thinking, and she doesnt know how i feel. maybe thats why we have had disputes and come out so strong in the past, because our disputes are our way or getting our thoughts out in the open, and being honest with each other. and thats definitely why i feel so comfortable dealing with them. i just wish that i didnt have this insecurity that i could just trust in her love for me and just go with it, because i'd rather avoid all of those things and just get on with being with her and being happy. and i think that she has trouble trusting my love for her because she has low self esteem and lacks conviction to just say her feelings, which sends my neurotic mind into a tailspin. so, i think we need to work on our communication. does anyone have any non-confrontational tips on how to establish our love for each other without it seeming out of the blue, and a way of building confidence in each other? i think because all our disputes have tended towards how much we want to be together in the future i shouldnt have anything to fear, but i'm hoping for a more elegant solution. thanks again

edit 2: today was one of the worst days of my life. after she asked me if i still liked her yesterday, i thought i knew why she felt this way to ask this. i was only half right. she did feel my own feelings for her had diminished over the holidays, because i didnt contact her much while we were apart. my reasons for this were because i wanted to give her some space, but she took this to mean i was ok with not hearing from her. and then she said that this isnt true love, that she didnt miss me as much as she did before, and we were ok during the holidays, smiling and being happy. i was immensely hurt by this, because i missed her like she could never know but she didnt acknowledge this, to the extent that i had to come straight out and say how much i missed her, how i did nothing but sit at home thinking of her, that the reason i was so happy these past two days was because i could finally spend time with her again, doing nothing in particular but being with her. i said that i was in love with her, and it hurt me so much to hear that she doubted whether she felt the same way. eventually she told me that she still loves me, in fact is in love with me, but she was honest and said she is not sure if it is true love, and needs time to think. and after the exams, when we have plenty of uni work to do, we will probably spend less time together, and she says that she doesnt want to waste time with someone if we dont truly love each other when we could be meeting other people instead. i dont know if she was talking about me, probably not, or just her attitude in general, but i lost my voice at this point, and couldnt recover it. she kept telling me not to worry, that she is just a naturally pessimistic person, but i told her that it isnt even worrying about breaking up anymore, because that is not even close to my mind. the thing that made today so bad, so horrible, was that i realised that it is no longer enough to me for her even just to love me. i think i will only be fully content if i discover that she is in love with me as much as i am with her. and because she has her doubts, i can only fear that i may be disappointed. eventually she said that she is still in love with me and she is just evaluating our position, but her incredibly pessimistic mood has given me so much to worry about. i've fallen hard for her, and maybe i will find that it is too much. i'm so scared

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#145 Post by silvermoon » Thu Jan 19, 2006 3:35 pm

i met her for the 5-6th time in as many days today. we havnt been spending much time together, and in fits and starts when we have. its been like this ever since the xmas holidays started, and could be for any number of reasons, the most important of which i assumed was because of our exams.

she raised an interesting point today. she invited me to join her walking around town today, so i did, and we wandered around. not holding hands, or any contact actually. as we were walking, she asked me my plans for the next semester of uni, and i told her that i plan to do more work, play some football and spend as much time with her as i can. she seemed surprised by this, and said that she thought i had gotten used to being away from her, and didnt wish to spend so much time with her again. and i told her that that day hasnt come yet, and i doubt it ever will. as we returned to her home, she said that her television program was on and she was glad she could catch it today. she asked me what i wanted to do. i asked her if i could join her in her room. she said no, her room is messy. and we waved a quick goodbye and she rushed inside. she once said that i was the only person she had known who she wanted to spend all day with, even chiding me gently when i spent less with her. now, the roles have switched, except she has not reacted the way i did.

we've been together for barely 100 days now, and it seems a lot of the passion has slipped out of it. we were inseperable just weeks ago, but since coming back, she has told me that she did miss me over the holidays but not so much, i get the impression that she doesnt miss being with me so much, to the extent that i thought, and still fear, that she is waiting until after the exams to break up with me. she denied that vehemently when she felt the apprehension in my voice, but i still fear it. she says she wants to be sure what we have is true love before taking it further. i dont think its going too well.

is this normal? i cant tell, but i've begun to react to it by standing off a bit. in fact, i told myself that i wasnt going to meet her today because, tbh, i wanted to see how she would react if i see her less. i dont know if this is the right thing to do or not, but i really cant tell what she is thinking. on the one hand, we still do have exams, albeit not for a short while, on the other she could just be distancing herself. i dont know. i just never thought that our relationship, which was so intense for a short while, could run cold so soon. and we both got into this for the same reason, because we were looking for a long term relationship with someone we loved, not just having a short term fling. i still want that, but does she? has she begun to come down from our time before and realised she doesnt feel that way about me? i know i still love her because i wouldnt make such a fuss of wanting to be with her if i didnt, but at the same time i'm afraid to commit myself again because the signs are unclear. she was quite cheerful today, and she teased me a bit and grabbed my hand and was quite close to me as i returned her home, but she doesnt seem enthused, certainly not like before. and neither do i, albeit just for show. when i tell her my true feelings she asks me to wait for her to see her own feelings, and when i dont i'm unsatisfied. is there something wrong, or are we just getting used to being away from each other at different rates? is this even healthy? i dont know.

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#146 Post by I65 » Thu Jan 19, 2006 6:04 pm

First there was a difference between love, and being "in love", now there is a difference between "in love" and "in true love", what's next??? True love but not ultimate love? Good grief...

I am sure that people get used to being apart at different rates, that makes sense, but this young lady is a game player. She is constantly testing your resolve, playing on your insecurities, and toying with your affection. You don't deserve this, noone does.

And I am not one to suggest that you should play games with her, however I think backing off on seeing her would not be that bad of an idea, not to play a game, but just to get a clear head about the relationship. A good, solid relationship shouldn't be this hard.

Perhaps there are cultural differences that are causing her to behave this way that I am not understanding, but to me, it's just plain immature and mean. At some point you are going to have to "lay down the law" with her, and let her know that love can't be quantified, or categorized, or labeled. Either she wants to be with you, or she doesn't. If she does, the games have to stop, because there is a vast ocean of women out there who wouldn't want to play these games with you.

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#147 Post by silvermoon » Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:57 pm

we've just broken up. i'm sitting here, with beer in hand, watching her webcam and writing this. and i dont know wot to write. several hrs ago, we met up and had some fun. and now, through the wonders of the web, we're nothing. just friends she says, in case she meets someone more to her taste. thats the most offensive thing i've ever heard. she says its because of my maturity, that i didnt meet her standards. funny, maturity was always my strong point. i think shes just been waiting for a reason to leave me, then forced it and has someone in mind already. or maybe thats just because i'm being cynical. she asked me to just be friends, and at first i said that i couldnt, but eventually i said that i would. i cried over the webcam, and she said she liked my purity, and she hadnt seen many men cry. she said i had persuaded her, but i dont know of wot. just that i was capable of crying, maybe.

she said i had recently been acting strangely, and so, being honest, i told her that she had seemed to be backing off recently, and i responded by doing the same. then she told me i was immature, more so for arguing with her, and then asked to just be friends. and i agreed, and now i cant go back. thats it. i have nothing else to say. i just have my journal of the happiest memories of my life to remember her by. and i feel like there is no tomorrow, because i dont want to see it. its not been a long journey, but its over. thanks for reading, for the comments, for the care and advice, and above all, thanks for always being here

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#148 Post by I65 » Thu Jan 19, 2006 9:04 pm

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You will do what is best for you, but tbh, I wouldn't bother with being her friend. She'll just use you to make the next guy jealous, it's her mo, and you don't deserve that kind of treatment, and neither does her next victim.

I know that this is a difficult time, and there is really nothing that anyone can say to make it better, but just know that somewhere, someone is out there that will appreciate you for who you are, and be deserving of your love, and return it without all the drama and games.

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#149 Post by silvermoon » Thu Jan 19, 2006 10:18 pm

thank you, honestly, i have never felt so much compassion as when i am here. i'm getting pissed with my flatmates right now, not the most elegant solution but all i can think of right now. i've never felt so bad, but at the same time, i've never felt so much support either. thank you so much to everyone reading this, and thank you for your support. and i'm sure that, once i really think about it, i'll be fine

ps. i've had to correct so many mistakes u dont see, i'm absolutely smashed. this is my method

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#150 Post by 52FM » Thu Jan 19, 2006 10:31 pm

silvermoon -
Hang in there; this feeling will pass and I feel you will be so much better off without her. As Ith said, she sure seemed to enjoy the drama and games etc. (At first I tohught she was implying you were TOO mature for her! You might be.)

I'm glad you continue to find comfort here. You need it as much or more now, so don't stay away.

All my best to you!

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#151 Post by silvermoon » Thu Jan 19, 2006 11:20 pm

i looked back at my journal, and cried uncontrollably.

i remember when i was the happiest person in the world. i was because i had found the person i had always wanted to share my life with. just everything about her was perfect to me. she was my dream come true. i hd always imagined that ideal person, and she was that person, but it wasnt reciprocated. and i know that all those things i'd chosen to ignore, all the things of 'setting her free, and if she returns, the love is true'. i wanted to believe she was the one, because in my eyes, honestly, she embodied that person. but she didnt feel that way about me, and thats the rub. the saddest thing in the world is loving someone who once loved you. thats a quote i read in preparation of our breakup. i kinda knew it was coming. anyway, i know that feeling now. i still love her. despite everything, i still love her. she asked to be just friends, and even tho it pains me to do this, i accepted. and i know i cant turn back now. i cant face this pain again. but i'll do these things because i dont care if she hurt me, which she did, and i dont care if she doesnt love me. i cant help it. i still love her. i just want her to be happy, and i will always be there for her. i know that she played games with me, and i know that in a way she used me. but in that time, i fell in love with her. and i will always want whats best for her. i just want her to have a good life, and to be happy. if i'm not that person, then so be it. maybe i'm pissed, but i dont feel so bad. i'm glad that she made this decision. much as it pains me, i'll never stand in her way.

thank you to all again for being here for me. i dont wish to be a misery guts. i want nothing more than to be happy, i'm a selfish person. i'm not happy atm. i dont know how long it will be until i will be. i'm sorry for disregarding your advice, but i think i wll continue to be her friend. but i will always know that it is over between us. i cant face it again. i just love her so much, i cant disregard her. she brought me so much happiness, i cant just ignore her. i think i'm just looking for reasons to stick with her. and i know it will hurt in the long run. i just want to make sure she is happy. i never want her to be upset again. she'll never find anyone like me again, but she wont even realise it

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#152 Post by silvermoon » Fri Jan 20, 2006 12:14 am

i jus realised, i think i'm over her. again, because i'm pissed i dont know how much is the truth, but i spoke to my friends, and good friends they are, and they are going thru the same thing, or have done in the past. and there is always the right person in the world, but i know shes not the one. the right one doesnt cause so much pain. i'm looking forward to my future. i dont know wot i';m saying anymore. iu love her, and i wish above all else thaqt she didnt feel thisd way. nad at the sam time, i want her to have the best for her, and if i'm not that person, then i'm not right. and i wont cause her any trouble or anxiety again. i'm good at being friends, but maybe i have things to learn iwht regards to love. i've been punching mirrors and kickingh doors tonight. i hate myself. i w\nt to move on, but its too early. but i wont be caught up in this idea that i wont find love in my life. it gets easier than this. i loved her, but i will love again. and when that time comes, she'll treat me right, and i'll know it. i know that i have nothing to worry about. but i still do. it will pass in time.

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#153 Post by silvermoon » Fri Jan 20, 2006 1:17 am

i've come to the concluison, that she asked me to call her, if i can be friends with her. she ais that we're not breaking up, just being friends, getting to know each other. and maybe she will find the right person in that time. i take great offense from thta.

i hve decided that tomorrow, i will ell her not to worry about me, and just to move on. i know i'm not the right person for her, and she not for me. i can feel it. i want her to be happy, and she told me about the person who could igve her that. and i want her to be happy. i've decided not to play these games anymore, and just to ask her to end it. i think thats wot she wants. she doesnt love me, and i think she never did. she just thought she id because of who i am. my friend said that ppl like us, the good guys, get hurt. i agree. i know that i treat ppl well, but she didnt acknowledge that. and so, its over. and i'll make sure of it tomorrow. i dont want to exzpericen this again, and i know that hanging onto her will just disappoint me. i'm not ready to move on, but i know its for the best. maybe she will be happy with this other person, maybe not. if not, i will be disappiointed. in amongst all these thoughts, all the confusion, i wonder how she feels, if she is upset, if she is pleased to have finally done it. i just hope she has made the right deicsion. tbh, if she hasnt, i cant turn back anymore, i've grown up a lot of late, and i know wot can and cant happen. this wont. i want her to be happy, and i will always be there for her. i'll never neglect her, and i will punish any personm who upsets her. i still love her. i know for sure now. i wondered how i would feel if i ever had troubl with her. this isnt what i expected. i never expected this because i always thoguht i would be upset. and i am. but i still care about her. i was scared before. i realise that being in love, there is nothing to be scared of, because no matter the outcome, ity is always for the best. so long as someone is happy, thats it.

its funny, my friends came over just now, and caught me crying. we went out for a walk, and i thanked them afterwards. i've nevr cried in front of anyone excpet my parents and her. i'm at my lowest ebb. i am rambling, and dont i know it. i dont know wot i want to achive from writing this. i just need to get things off my chest. my parents' divorce, the exams, now this. for a microsecond, i wondered how all this could happen to me, then i realised how lucky i was to have any of this. to hull street, you're right. if you're in love, u know it. u dont doubt it, its just there and u feel it, without doubt. in retrospect, i realise how good everyones advice has been, i realise my own ignorance, and i know where to go next time. my hand hurts, i hit the door, and now my palm feels like its on fire. my knuckles burn if i touch them. dunno y i'm saying this. i'm falling apart.

i dont know what love is anymore. i thought love is being there for the other person thru thick and thin. and i am willing to do that with her. but tbh, i dont know if its myt true feelings or if i have a hope that i will get back with her, or if i want her to be happy, or if i feel it is like a duty. i've never been in love beforem so i am very confused. i know that eentually i will get over her, i kno that hanging onto her is the worst possible idea, i know that there are other ppl who will appreciate me. and yet, i think everyone knows that that means nothing to me. i may recognise it in time, but for now, she is still on my mind. i have an exam in a few days and this is the last thing i needed. i feel like s**t. i dont want to sleep, and i dont want to wake up to a day where i realise wot has happened. i'm sitting here, waiting for a response from her. and i hope that i will have the strength to tell her trhat it is tryly over, and there is no turning back. i'm so hurt.
Last edited by silvermoon on Fri Jan 20, 2006 9:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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#154 Post by Congruous » Fri Jan 20, 2006 12:42 pm

You've done the best you could, SM. No one could have done more. It took a hell of a lot of guts to write all of these posts. You are a better person than she is. Soon you'll understand this clearly. She has no business making any sort of derogatory comments about your level of maturity.
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#155 Post by silvermoon » Fri Jan 20, 2006 7:41 pm

i spoke to her this morning and told her i thought it best if we broke it off. she told me to think about what she had said last night and see what she really wanted. i told her i knew, that she still wanted to be with me, but was upset at certain ways i had acted. there were many things about me that she loved, and i was just short of her ideal man. and she hoped i could just grow up and leave those traits behind. and i started to push her away. i told her that i didnt know that i ever could do that, and again said the best way to handle this was to break up. she could tell what i was trying to do and asked why. if i still loved her, why would i push her away?

i told her that i remembered last night, where i lay on the couch bawling my eyes out, getting drunk and generally despising myself, and i said i didnt want to have to experience that again. if i didnt break it off, i would be tying myself down, and her. there would be no guarantees that we could ever be truly happy again. and above all, i could never know that she wouldnt hurt me again. she assured me that she wouldnt ask me to still be with her if she didnt have faith it could work out in the end. i told her that i still loved her, and because of that i would let her go. then she asked me if i could just be her friend, but not break up, and try and find out more about each other, and maybe resume it later. and i told her i would think about it and get back to her. we left it there.

i met up with a friend and went to see a film. i got very uncomfortable with an intimate love scene in the film, and spent the night wishing i was in bed nursing my hangover. so i returned home and went to sleep.

when i woke up, i called her. i told her i had decided to be her friend. i wouldnt leave her. i would be there for her and have fun with her. she said she was surprised, and wondered what swayed my feelings. i just said that if i disappointed her that i was sorry, and i would continue to meet her because i no longer had a doubt in my mind that i loved her, and i couldnt just leave her. she had been very tense for the whole conversation, and suddenly let out a gentle laugh. and she thanked me. she wept as i spoke, and it was heartbreaking, but at least she is happy with it. she finally asked me if everything was going to be fine. i said yes, its going to be ok. and i gained a friend. maybe one day we will grow to become the people we want to be, and find that loving each other brings us back together, but for now, we're ok just to see each other. for now, there goes my first love. and i'm happy that she could ever be in my life

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#156 Post by silvermoon » Tue Jan 24, 2006 10:03 am

gotta hate this; it sneaks up on you. it bides its time, waits until you're alone, in bed, in the shower, walking. and then it overcomes you. its not just the idea of being seperated, its like the end of an entire lifestyle. an abrupt end to love. all the good times of the past reduced to memories. even though i speak to her more than ever (6hrs in 4 days over the phone = monstrous phone bill. she keeps calling me, 5-6 times a day. 3 times in half an hr just now), its not the same person. shes a mirage, forever out of reach. i've lost my emotional anchor and i'm drifting. i thought i was handling it quite well, and thats what it wants you to think. you try and have a good time, occupy yourself, go wild, smile. and then, when the night comes, and everyone is asleep, and you lie in bed, and relax, it comes. and the night drags on, and the more you wish you could sleep, the tighter its grip. you wonder where salvation comes from. not at the bottom of a bottle for me, if only because i havnt had the will to get up and go buy it. i keep trying to convince myself that i dont want her, that i should treat it as a breakup. at the back of my mind, i'm still hanging on. waiting for her to accept me, like she says she tries to. i know its not going to happen. i know its prolonging it. i know i cant move on until i let go. but i cant. not yet. i'm given to self loathing

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#157 Post by Guest » Tue Jan 24, 2006 12:07 pm

Set her free, then if she truly loves you, she will come back.

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#158 Post by silvermoon » Tue Jan 24, 2006 6:39 pm

something strange happened today. i went to meet her, for the first time since we broke up. the last thing she said before was that she wanted to wait and see if i was right for her, and not break up, but just be on a break. today bent the rules in so many ways.

i went to meet her today, and she jogged up to meet me with a big smile on her face (she never jogs). she immediately, gingerly handed me her handbag to hold (she later said, of someone else, that friends generally dont hold handbags, boyfriends do), and then asked to hold my hand, 'if you dont mind...?' she was exceptionally talkative and cheery, with a spring in her step. we had lunch together, talked, teased each other. and laughed constantly. there was a little bit of confusion involving a dvd promotion deal where we were to share the costs, but didnt know how to split it (boyfriend buys girlfriend a present, friends pay for each other...etc). i ended up paying for it all, and she tried to give me the money back, but i refused and said it was a present. so, bit awkward there (and handled poorly in every respect...). but otherwise, we had a lovely evening, and parted ways promising to call each other later tonight.

how appropriate that i bought eternal sunshine today. like the film, today was about reminding myself of all the reasons why i fell in love with her. there was a magic moment where we walked side by side and, without a look or a word, our hands opened together and closed around each others. we held hands, teased and talked, pulled each other this way and that. i'm still her 'little boy', the one she pats on the bum in her cutely patronising way. when we stood beside each other, she leaned against me and rested her head on my shoulder, and i didnt know what to do but go with it. and inside i was smiling. it's all very confusing, because i know that she still isnt sure of me. i gave her my journal, which i poured my heart and soul into, and maybe thats what did it. i dont know. i just find it ironic that i bought eternal sunshine as a breakup movie and discovered a movie ultimately about second chances. as with the film, so it is with us. there are no plans, no promises. just hope.

also, a warm welcome to monkeylove, and thanks for the post.

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#159 Post by I65 » Tue Jan 24, 2006 7:45 pm

How could you not be confused??? I'm 41 (ugh) and she confuses me! :shock:

I don't remember you saying you gave her your journal, maybe I missed it. When did you give it to her? Did you update it after the break, or give it to her in the form you intended on your anniversary?

Oh, and I think JohnMonkey is MonkeyLove...Either that or they were separated at birth... :P

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#160 Post by Congruous » Wed Jan 25, 2006 2:33 pm

Repeat after me:

MEET SOME NEW WOMEN!
MEET SOME NEW WOMEN!
MEET SOME NEW WOMEN!

Dude, you're being played like a fiddle!
"Are there no more arrows left?"

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