my 'charlotte'

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Congruous
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#61 Post by Congruous » Thu Nov 03, 2005 8:46 am

You'd be insane if you didn't have these intense feelings. Everyone has them.

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#62 Post by silvermoon » Fri Nov 04, 2005 8:18 pm

hmm...yeah, i think perhaps i overreacted at the time due to the intense feelings of guilt. i still feel bad but i think i still had enough self control not to actually act on any of those thoughts. but, despite this, i still cannot shake the jealous feelings i have whenever she mentions something i quietly disapprove of. for example, the other day she told me that, while drinking with friends, one of them (a guy) gave her a back massage. have u ever seen the bit in pulp fiction where jules and vincent discuss foot massages, and how they mean nothing? yeah, they do. i got very annoyed at the idea of a guy doing that for her without my presence. granted, she has complained recently of back pain, but doesnt change the action. and again, when she mentioned a guy she just met living 2 doors down from her who plays the guitar and sings, i've done that for her but the idea of a guy living so close to her who does that makes me feel very uneasy for some reason. i know i have a very wide jealous streak, i am just unable to control it in these situations. i honestly dont know what i can do to curb it, because obviously i can't be with her everywhere and when i'm not i'll just worry. i dont feel i can raise these issues with her because the way they were said were in an innocuous manner so it will just reveal me to be the jealous person i am.

some good points tho, today i went out with her to have a meal, and she was very cheery today and asked me with a smile if i thought she was happy to see me. she then revealed that she had spoken with her mother, who approves of me greatly, and very much likes that i am making an effort to get to know their culture and learn the language (foreign). before leaving today i confessed to her that i very much missed spending time with her, and she told me that i knew what she wanted, to spend all the time she could doing everything with me, and i repeated that. tomorrow i will be going with her to a fireworks display, and hopefully the setting will help me to put our relationship back on track, because i have begun to feel a little bit of distance between us recently and am looking to do everything within my power to put things right.

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#63 Post by Congruous » Fri Nov 04, 2005 8:51 pm

Have confidence in yourself when you know you're doing the right thing. When you are young, there will be those around you who may attempt to sway what you feel is right and wrong. Only you can decide what is best for you. If you believe you have behaved correctly when you are with her, then don't waste your time worrying about what she does when you are not with her. She has the right to choose what is best for her, and it may not coincide with your view of what is best. That's just the way life is. If you start contorting your view of what is best just to please someone else- including her- she may in fact lose respect for you. Be true to yourself and you will find that others will respect you for it. They may not agree with you, but they will respect you.

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#64 Post by I65 » Fri Nov 04, 2005 8:57 pm

n/m
Last edited by I65 on Sat Nov 05, 2005 2:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

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#65 Post by I65 » Fri Nov 04, 2005 9:01 pm

"She has the right to choose what is best for her, and it may not coincide with your view of what is best. "

Oh sure, be all logical and rational...

Silvermoon, ignore my blatherings. I am sure that Congruous is right. :wink:

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#66 Post by silvermoon » Fri Nov 04, 2005 9:55 pm

2 points: firstly, sorry for not detailing this correctly first time round, but i failed to mention that the guy who gave her the massage is a friend of hers, of how long i am not sure but it is not the same person as the one who lives nearby who she just met. that said, it doesnt make it any easier to take...i dont know the details but i dont see what could be said to make it any better. of course, i am afraid i will just have to grin and bear it and hope that it doesnt happen again. i'm just wondering if i can question her about it, because i know that without full knowledge of this it will drive me crazy. even she concedes that we have been together for a short time only, so to already be prepared to let someone do something like this for her without expecting a reaction seems...strange.
second, i certainly agree that i will have to simply deal with the choices she makes, for one i already have told her that i will not try to change her or ask anything of her which goes against her way of thinking and i will quietly deal with anything that comes up. that said, choices she makes when tipsy do not, i feel, constitute rational thought. as far as i can tell she has not asked anyone else (if she even asked the guy in the first place, or he just offered, i did not question her on the matter) to give her such treatment when lucid besides me, but seeing as how that state of mind is a little...familiar to her (not in an extreme way, but in your traditional student way) those choices might not be construed as her's, and thus might not be treated so. and yet, there is nothing i can do to stop her if i am not there...suffice to say i feel i will simply have to make my disapproval known next time. gah...this is doing my head in... :x

update: today i went with my charlotte to see a fireworks display. she had been looking forward to seeing one for a while, and so i was pleased that i was able to take her, especially as i hoped that such a setting would help us to get our relationship back on track. as the fireworks blazed overhead, every so often i looked down at her, and she looked up at me, we gazed into each other's eyes and i forgave her everything. i remember thinking, perhaps irrationally, that this was one of the best nights of my life, i had everything i wanted in that moment. as the last of the fireworks faded away, i kissed her, and told her i love her. she kissed me back, and told me she loved me too. we left, and for a while i could think of nothing but how happy i was, and could only hope she felt the same.
we went for dinner, to a place of her choice. she had a place in mind, so we made our way there. she had mentioned the place b4 in passing, and only said it was one she liked, so i obliged and took her there. we sat and ordered, and discussed the merits of the menu (of which she was more familiar than i). along with our meal, she ordered a drink, alcoholic, as well, for us to share. i thought nothing of it. as we ate, we talked. at first, the conversation flowed, but the drinks didnt. however, at one point, she revealed why she had chosen this place in particular. she used to come here with her ex-bf often, at a time when she was at her happiest in her life (for other reasons besides him, she said). however, certain things happened that meant she was obv no longer with him, and she had come here to get over him. the conversation dried up, and out of the corner of my eye i caught her staring at the table she occupied with him so many times. the longer we sat, the more she drank. she was visibly uncomfortable, and i began to talk to her about him. all i need say is that of all those she had known he was the one person she thought she truly loved, and she had never forgotten him. i think she wanted to forget him, for my sake, but she was finding it difficult. i told her once more that i would wait as long as was necessary for her to overcome it, but this time my words felt hollow. i tried to reassure her i would help her, but i knew that i do not possess the experience of such matters to do that, and would not know how. all i could say was that this was a matter she had to overcome herself, and i felt helpless for not being able to do anything for her. it hurt me greatly to see her in such discomfort, to the extent she could probably tell i was uncomfortable myself when i needed to be strong for her. she told me she felt guilty for bringing up such matters to me seeing as she is my first gf but i am not hers, and felt an obligation to protect me from her heavy issues. of course i assured her i was fine, but for the first time i felt intimidated by her past, and out of my depth in not being able to help her. i finally asked her if she felt comfortable being with me considering her past, and she asked me what it was i wanted to hear. i asked simply for her true feelings, but when she replied yes i could tell the hesitation in her voice. i took her home, embracing her all the way, and when we arrived she told me of all the boys she had known she liked me the most, and told me to remember that she 'loves me so, so much'. i do not doubt that, but i know that i will have to wait and just continue to treat her with the respect and love i always have b4 she can finally overcome everything and truly love me back. i told her she was the one i had waited my whole life up till now for, and i am beginning to see my words come true.

note: it's so ridiculously late now, cos i missed every way home and had to limp back, that i feel some of the things i have revealed here, and tbh in previous posts as well, might need to be trimmed, because i am writing on behalf of 2 ppl but with only 1 person's approval. perhaps later, perhaps not

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#67 Post by silvermoon » Thu Nov 10, 2005 10:15 pm

movie cliche no. 24,345...the ex-boyfriend calls out of the blue. it's funny how these difficult situations bring out the best in me. she called me late at night, just to have a chat. i was sleeping at the time, so my tone was a little less than bright. so, when i gently revealed that she had woken me up, she recoiled and became very upset, and wondered why i didnt want to talk to her. after reassuring her that of course this wasnt true, she suddenly dropped a bombshell: her ex had called her, and the conversation was heated. i was stunned at first, and lost for words, after all only days before she had tried to get over him and failed, and i realised how much he had meant to her. so, with care, i began to question her. she told me that she had not spoken to him in a long time, but he had not forgotten her and still thought of her as his, even though she had made it clear he was not, and she had been trying to move on. he had called because he had found out from other sources about me, and thought she was doing him wrong by being with me. the conversation ended with him shouting down the phone at her, abusing her and quite simply acting like a spoilt child. and when she finished recounting this to me, i had all the ammunition i needed to shoot him down.

he had tried to discredit me by claiming that all men have a fascination with those from other cultures, and that once the novelty wears off so the relationship dies with it. so, quite apart from never having met me, i found it highly amusing (barely concealing my mocking laughter down the phone) that one could group almost half the world's population into such a specific idea, and without remorse proceeded to ruthlessly take him apart. if you get the feeling i am bitter in my words, i will not deny it: ignorance on his part makes for an easy target. he then had poured scorn on her for daring to meet others while she was still his (if he had listened carefully before, perhaps he would have caught the part where they parted ways, a minor point perhaps but worth noting), an idea so ridiculous it lifted my spirits, so that when it came to explaining once more my motivations and feelings i did it with a smile and warmth, and by the time i had finished she was laughing down the phone with me.

several pointers: earlier that night she was to meet her friend who liked her, and i prepared myself for a rough night once again. however, i discovered something about him and his situation which changed my perspective of him completely, and now i have nothing but respect and sympathy for him, and i can only feel disappointment in that i cannot help him when i have the necessary experience. i still am not comfortable with him meeting her alone, late at night, but now i understand why it must be done. when i told her this, she laughed, and said i was 'cute' for being so understanding and considerate towards someone who had caused me anxiety before. by simply being honest, i said all that i had to say, and not a word was met with disapproval. honesty breeds trust.

on top of this, she told me how people she knew just did not understand how much she loved me, because of their preconceptions of a relationship which had blossomed so quickly. i felt very happy to hear this, of course, and when i went back to sleep the entire night had become one of the best in memory, despite the initial promise of trouble.

in the morning, i met her and spent the day with her, and soon we were closer than ever, and began to reminisce about the beginning of our relationship with remarkable clarity. curiously, the point which we considered to be the start of our relationship was different for the two of us: namely, i had placed greater emphasis on the first time we held hands in the cinema, which she says she 'felt nothing' for, because i did not hold her hand after the film had ended so the gesture was made redundant. cue much laughter.

one final note: her parents want me to stay with them when i visit because of the good impression made on my behalf by several ppl in the know. i never thought of myself as someone who would be approved of...what is the world coming to??

(just realised i'm a mr. kazu now...quite a difference to the person portrayed in my post, considering his role in the film...how ironic, and might i add, highly amusing)

update: she now wants me to write her a letter at some point in the next few weeks. i have already said many of the things i have to say regarding our relationship (i'm rather vocal to say the least), so perhaps it would be disappointing to her to see these things again. i'm unsure of what i can write that would be fresh or new, and i want to save my posts here for a later date (as Ith has already suggested). time to get creative...

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#68 Post by silvermoon » Mon Nov 14, 2005 12:34 pm

she thought we were breaking up the other day. she had met another anonymous friend the previous night, she had failed to tell me about it until i called her, and once again drinking was involved. i had tried to deal with it by going out with friends and getting hammered (sorry, but that's my method for now), but i spent the night moping about it and almost ruining everyones night. so, i decided enough was enough and confronted her about it the next day.

she could tell something was wrong as soon as she saw me from the expression on my face, and she became anxious because of it. at first i hesitated, and struggled to find the courage to tell her. but this served only to worry her further, and when i eventually came to talk she was on edge. i slowly proceeded to explain how i felt, but for the first time, the words were negative. with every word that came forth, her expression worsened, and eventually her eyes began to well up. she had worn a cap coming out, she looked down as i talked, and at a point i saw a single solitary tear roll down her cheek. that may have been one of the saddest sights i've ever seen, i was heartbroken that i had hurt her in this way, and had never meant for my words to be taken like that. in that moment, i remember thinking to myself that i might just have ruined the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, and i felt devastated. however, i maintained my composure, and asked her what was wrong, which might just have rescued me from an extended period of depression. she told me she had seen situations such as this before, where a person begins to place their own priorities higher, and soon the relationship crumbles because of it. i once said that i thrive in situations where i explain myself to others. this was the biggest test so far, and i passed with flying colours. i realised the misinterpretation she had made, and assured her that i was not the type of person she had met before (of that i am confident). she has always worried about the fact she is my first girlfriend and that this might affect my impression of her (by putting her on a pedestal without a frame of reference). the truth is i am an idealist, in that i dont believe something as important and rewarding as a proper relationship is something to look lightly on, and each and every one i pursue, whether with friends or a girl, is one i want to last. i told her this, suffice to say, soon she was cheerier and less flushed, and even began to smile again. that night we laid in each others arms again (there's a pattern to the way our relationship is going, it seems...repetitive posts will end here), and once again, before sleeping, she whispered my name, and quietly told me she loves me. if i weren't such a jealous and paranoid individual i would say this is a relationship built to last...but i am...

i have been turning it over in my head, and since that day she has been happier and wanting to see me more once again (altho that might be because i bought her a gift she had wanted and she feels obliged to be nice...her words, even in jest...). but i never realised until that moment how much i meant to her, seeing her single tear and listening to her whisper of how she feared we might break up. my paranoia has suddenly curbed itself, because i am realising, as Ith said, how words can mean anything but actions speak the truth. i'm just sad that it had to happen this way, because i hate seeing her hurt, and this time it was my own doing.

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#69 Post by Congruous » Mon Nov 14, 2005 2:05 pm

Well, you did what you thought you should do. You can't do more than that.

Speaking for myself, it seems that I never give myself enough credit for being loved. I saw a quote yesterday that went something like, "Everyone is the love of someone's life." I never looked at it like that before. For sure, there are several women who I stopped seeing when I was still crazy about them, and still have good feelings about them, even though I may not have seen them for years. I guess it is hard for one to look at oneself as the object of someone else's strong affection. At least it is hard for me to take myself that seriously. Is that a good or bad thing?

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#70 Post by silvermoon » Tue Nov 15, 2005 1:10 am

i would agree, i am finding it hard to accept that the immensely strong feelings i have for her may be shared. i am afraid to say that i think it is something that one needs to learn, because i think there will always be reservations of loving someone if you do not let yourself be loved.

i am trying tho. i wrote my charlotte an extended letter today, the first i have written for her. i have been wondering what to write for her, because i hated the idea of writing something formulaic, pretentious and overwhelmingly positive. i wanted to write from the heart. so, when she raised 3 issues today that bother me in a negative way, and quite seriously, i decided to write about that, and be truthful about it. i have just finished writing about it, and she is yet to read it so there is no reaction to speak of yet, but the essence of it is that i feel she does not entirely trust me when i tell her i love her, and how much, and i am the same. also, with regards to problems we may face, as congruous said i must respect every decision she makes, and she must accept that every action will have an equal reaction. i wont stop her from doing anything so long as she knows i wont hesitate to react either. suffice to say, the letter was of course cathartic, and i hope she will take the time to absorb it, and realise that every problem i face i try to overcome because i love her and trust that she will do the same for me. i ended the letter by saying that i will wait for her to find if she can return my feelings, because right now it appears that i love her more than she does me (because of the obstacle of a past relationship), but it also appears she is trying to remedy this. i suppose every problem is just something to be solved if it is possible, or desirable.

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#71 Post by Congruous » Tue Nov 15, 2005 9:48 am

My girlfriend from high school/early college and I started writing letters and they ended up being very practical, noncritical descriptions of the way we handled certain situations. I found that I got to know her a lot more quickly through these letters. We didn't talk about the little world the two of us shared. Rather, we talked about what was going in the world outside of the two of us and how we responded to these events. It deepened our relationship in a way talking wouldn't have done. If you are going to love someone romantically and give your heart to that person, it can save a lot of future pain to do everything in your power to know that person as completely as possible.

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#72 Post by hull_street » Wed Nov 16, 2005 2:10 am

silvermoon wrote:she thought we were breaking up the other day. she had met another anonymous friend the previous night, she had failed to tell me about it until i called her, and once again drinking was involved. i had tried to deal with it by going out with friends and getting hammered
Ok, sorry, but it's time for another shot of cold water here. This girl is going out, meeting "anonymous friends", and getting hammered. On top of it, she doesn't feel any need to ask you to join in on her fun. Instead of waiting for her to make her moves and have you simply react to them, you need to either A) pre-empt her and start making plans that don't include her, or B) dump her for the manipulator she is, and find another girlfriend. Possibly both.

The idea that she is playing you is looming large in my mind right now. Remember her ex-boyfriend ? Remember how broken-up he appeared to be ? Now, I want you to take a deep breath, and consider the possibility that it could be YOU in that place in the not-so-distant future. If she is really concerned that you want to break up with her, she needs to consider why you might feel that way. Her behavior is a good place to start looking.

Call your other friend from class, and ask her to meet you for dinner or something this week. Don't call it a "date", just ask her if she'd like to hang out with you for a while. Get to know her better. Keep it above-board, but don't hide that you might be considering options to your current situation. You never know what might happen.

Your girlfriend is controlling this relationship right now, she knows it, and she is taking advantage of that. I'm no expert on relationships, god knows, but I know bad ones when I see them, and this is about as one-sided as they come. It sounds like you have a lot to offer, but I think your attention might be better directed to someone more deserving of your time. And honestly, this girl doesn't sound like it.

The players change, but not the games.

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#73 Post by adrien950 » Wed Nov 16, 2005 10:39 am

Preach on, hull_street ! :lol:
Image

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#74 Post by Congruous » Wed Nov 16, 2005 11:40 am

Interesting take...let's see what happens

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#75 Post by Just Like Honey... » Wed Nov 16, 2005 1:05 pm

hull_street wrote:Call your other friend from class, and ask her to meet you for dinner or something this week. Don't call it a "date", just ask her if she'd like to hang out with you for a while. Get to know her better. Keep it above-board, but don't hide that you might be considering options to your current situation. You never know what might happen.
I cannot possibly use words to illustrate my disagreement.

If you go though life like that, saying and doing things out of spite(sp?) and doing things to people just to see what effect they have (trying to make her jealous), you will cause nothing but trouble for yourself. Maybe you should talk to her and find out why she is not inviting you along to these drinking events.

The worst thing you can do is act spontaneously and inappropriately in a negative way. How is trying to make her jealous like that any different (objectively) than what she is doing to you? She's going off by herself, of course there is nothing wrong with you doing the same but if your sole reason is just to mess with her mind (see what effect it has) or just to get 'revenge' (if it would be called that) then that lowers you to the same level as the girls that hull_street speaks of, that like to do nothing but mess with your head (i know a few).

Apart from that, I'm in full agreement, and thanks for bringing that up because I wouldn't have had the cojones. :!:
I'd rather be a gear in a big, deterministic, physical machine than just some random swerving.

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#76 Post by silvermoon » Wed Nov 16, 2005 3:02 pm

at this moment in time, she is deciding whether to break up with me or not, and i am dying inside waiting. the reason: the letter i wrote her.

the night i wrote it she had called me, i had asked to meet her and she had said yes. but crucially, she hesitated, so i thought i was not immediately wanted and decided to wait an hr before going. mistake no. 1. when i arrived, she was annoyed at me for arriving late, and said i had betrayed her trust. she then proceeded to toy with me, by saying she was planning to meet her friends over the next few days without me, and asking how i would respond if she had an affair. she said this neither in a humourous or malicious tone, but it bothered me greatly, and when she said she was going to sleep and asked me to join her, i said no (gently, but out of frustration). mistake no. 2. instead, while she lay sleeping, i went out for a walk to clear my head, and arrived back at her place very late at night. i tried to sleep, but her words were still playing in my head, and so...i wrote her a letter. and, with my mind stretched 8 different ways, tired and angry and jealous, the letter that was meant to be written as a love letter turned into a summation of my frustrations and anger, at myself and a little at her. it ran for 6 small pages, bookended by the reasons that i love her and why i will always stay with her to fight every problem. mistake no. 3, the BIG ONE. i went to bed in her room, and midway through the night, she turned to me, apologised for falling asleep and being angry at me, told me she loved me and hugged me. i realised in that moment everything i had done wrong to her, that i really had betrayed her trust, even if it was unspoken, and i knew i should have taken the letter back then. but i didnt. mistake no. 4 BIG ONE ALSO. in the morning, she read the first page of the letter, and smiled at me and thanked me for taking the time to write it. the first page, crucially, was the first bookend explaining why i loved her, so she was happy still. i warned her there was stuff that was bad to come, but she did not flinch, and i stupidly left it for her. by the time she finished, she was understandably very angry at me for attacking her, which she had misunderstood, and once again betraying her trust. at first, she was angry, but then it dissipated as she began to understand what i had meant by it. and within 5 hrs, she had forgiven me and we were smiling and holding hands again. i went back to her place and slept. when i woke up, i prepared to go as she had intended to meet friends that night, but she insisted i stay for 5 mins, which i did. mistake no. 5. i wanted to know if she had fully forgiven me, which she said she had, but i let slip a comment about how i had never made as big a mistake with someone before, and that may have destroyed us. we spent the night arguing, she was crying endlessly, and i tried to explain the meaning behind my words and actions, but she was having none of it. i now know the full weight of her previous experiences, because her constant references to them, and how my actions were worse even that ones inflicted on her by her ex, how it was the worst night of her life and how she regretted all 7 weeks she had known me, could mean me being the target for a backlash, despite the severity of my actions. she bitterly attacked me and said she didnt want to give me a 2nd chance, and that once she had changed her mind about someone she had never reversed it again. however, i managed to soften her up just a little, and before i was going to leave she asked me to hug her. she lay there crying as i held her, and eventually she asked me to do her a favour. she asked me to cry. i had been holding it in all night tbh, and i just let it loose. soon i couldnt stop, but i realised in that moment how much she meant to me, how much i loved her, and how much i had given her. she suddenly became very motherly, felt bad she had upset me so much, and tried to console me. she hugged me tight and apologised for asking to see my true feelings. in this moment, she told me she actually still loved me, that something like this did not change that, just that she needed time alone to think. she said she would wait a day before telling me, and before she told me she needed to be alone, i apologised sincerely, with tears in my eyes, told her that the person she had seen these past 2 days were not the real me, and told her to take as long as she needed to sort things out, and i would always be waiting. i left her place and didnt sleep.

the next day, i went in to uni for my first lecture, which she was not in. i would be at hers in an hr. i sat there with a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, and counted down the minutes. i left to go to my next lecture, and when i entered the building, i saw her only metres away. i walked straight past her without looking, and ignored me. we entered the room seperately, and sat apart. as i went up to the front of the room to collect something, i didnt look at her, and when she left the room, we didnt make eye contact. i hope she didnt take that to mean i was angry at her, because of course i'm not, i'm angry at myself for being so stupid and foolish and irrational. i can't believe that i managed not to contain my anger for 10hrs straight as i wrote her the letter and she read it, as i could easily have intercepted it at any time and all would be fine. that time has been destroying me, and i cannot rest easy without knowing how she will respond. i can only hope she remembers why she loves me, the happy times we shared and the person that i am, that made her so happy, and forgive me. i dont deserve it, but i can only hope

she will tell me how she feels possibly tomorrow, and i have not felt this anxious, regretful and this much self loathing in my entire life. my emotional future hangs by a thread, one i seem destined to burn. i hate myself and who i am

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#77 Post by Congruous » Wed Nov 16, 2005 3:23 pm

This self-hate is no good. You haven't done anything that should make you feel that way. If this is a passing thing, then okay, but you don't need to be beating yourself up like this. Never lose sight of your own goodness. If this young woman is making you feel like crap, then run like hell. Life's too short.

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#78 Post by 52FM » Wed Nov 16, 2005 3:39 pm

"If this young woman is making you feel like crap, then run like hell. Life's too short."

I couldn't have said it better - so I'll say it again:

If this young woman is making you feel like crap, then run like hell. Life's too short.

You don't know me silvermoon but believe me this is truth. You cannot develop a relationship where the other feels a measure of control over you. It has to be equal - even if in the short term that quest for equality causes you pain - the pain of falling into a pattern of one person controlling the other's emotions is far far greater.

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#79 Post by I65 » Wed Nov 16, 2005 4:00 pm

So...I thought I posted a response, but I guess I didn't.

Congruous and 52 are both absolutely right. You have given this girl unconditional love. If she cannot do the same, or at the very least respect your feelings for what they are, then she is not the girl for you.

Recently a friend of mines daughter lost the love of her young life. Here was her advice to her...

"I know it hurts now, but you have to believe me when I tell you that it will get better. There is nothing you could have done or said to change his mind. I realize that the hardest part must be just not talking to him or shooting the breeze with him. Just keep on remembering that it will get better. You will find the person that you are meant to be with, the person that understands how special you are. "

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silvermoon
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#80 Post by silvermoon » Wed Nov 16, 2005 5:38 pm

thanks for the responses all, but i must confess that i didnt tell the whole story. despite all the things i have said about her, all the ways i feel she has wronged me, she has also made enormous personal sacrifices to be with me.

everyone who i have told has said they think she is manipulating me (and also accused her of being a sadist with the crying request), and i would agree to an extent that she has exerted a certain degree of power over me. i made matters worse by being inexperienced enough that i did not know how to properly handle certain situations, and simply acted to benefit her just to be cautious, which i never should have done. but at the same time, the sacrifices she made for me are greater even than those i made for her.

she has damaged her relations with family members, with friends, made even harder by the fact she is a foreigner and finds it hard to fit in. she has defied her culture and changed her lifestyle. at least with me, i can turn to friends past and present or simply meet people easily, but with her it is a lot more difficult. the worst thing i did to her was to betray her trust when she had alienated all around her for me. she had put complete trust in me, and i betrayed it without consideration for her feelings. that is why i feel like crap, not because of what she has done to me, but because of the way i have wronged her.

those posting here are familiar with me to a degree due to my regular posts, but to you she is a cypher, simply a sketchily drawn character (due to both privacy and inadequacy of information on my part) whose personality has largely been negatively skewed, so of course the natural inclination is to support me and my actions. and i am very pleased to find people with such warmth and heart to offer me such kind words and sage advice. but i am afraid in this case, what i did was inexcusable.

trust is a very hard thing to give fully to someone, and it can be used against you. that is what i did to her. i never intended to hurt her in this way of course, and the letter was taken out of context perhaps and amplified by her recent past experiences. but it does not change the fact the letter i wrote was bitter and angry, and these are not things you can show so easily to one you love. she did overreact, i know that, for whatever reason i can only speculate, especially considering her recent grappling with her past. but then, this is not the first time i have betrayed her, this is just a single instance where my anger built up until i could not hold it in. but then, i could have spoken to her at any time, and dealt with the problem face to face. that, i think, is what bothers her, that i took the time to attack her without doing it in an honourable manner.

i am so sorry to her, and i cannot defend my actions, and i do not think i can be defended if all information was made clear. she is not entirely blameless, but my action was the one that caused greatest harm, and the responsibility lies with me. i cannot lose her, i can't imagine my life here without her. and while one can look at my situation as being painful, her's cannot be overlooked lightly either. the tears she shed and the pain she showed yesterday tell me things even her words of hatred cannot say. i know that the future may hold others with whom i can connect, but is it not possible that i have already met the love of my life? it cannot be ruled out simply due to my age, or my mindset, or my lack of experience. you know when someone is special, and with all the people in my life who i have known, she is the most special of all.

i have only ever cried for two people in my life, both family members who died, but my pain was even worse yesterday. even with her faults, and the anxieties she has caused me, my impulses, body language, tell me that i have found true happiness with her. when she questioned how i can know this, i could only reply that through all the pain, all the tears, all the anger, i was still here, fighting for her. i was bitterly disappointed to hear that she wanted to forget everything we shared together, and i think that will be the deciding factor as to whether she forgives me or not. if she can just remember that person who made her so happy, who made her smile and laugh, who she wanted to see always, and who she gave up everything for, then maybe she will give me the second chance i do not deserve. i can only hope she bears good news in the coming days, because if she does not, the future that i envisaged of true happiness and joy may never come true. when she told me of her plans, for the next 3yrs, 5yrs, 10yrs, i always imagined myself sharing that with her, and never found it intimidating. it is what i have always wanted, with the person i have always waited for. my future is nothing without her

note: even though she says she will tell me her decision 'in a day' (which would be tomorrow), i am thinking of writing an extended letter, whatever her decision, to tell her i still love her, how much she means to me, and to apologise once again. it would be hand delivered (either straight to her or through her mailbox) so i would not have to worry about her receiving it at a bad time as i can choose when, i am just unsure of how well she would take it considering how she currently feels about me. i made a heartfelt apology yesterday to her, but of course she was very angry at me at the time so probably my words meant nothing to her, but now that she has had time to absorb it all and think about it, maybe she would be more willing to hear what i have to say. and of course...it wouldnt turn out like the last letter...but i am hesitant as to what effect it might have. but i can sincerely say once again, that she is worth the effort and care, because we still love each other (at least that is what she said yesterday before i left...) and i cannot sit idly by while there may be a way to salvage it

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