What is a friend?

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52FM
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What is a friend?

#1 Post by 52FM » Mon Jul 10, 2006 11:25 am

Simple question? Hardly. There may be as many defintions as there are people. Some are VERY strict - very exclusive - feling that a person can't possibly be a friend unless you've known them for several years and there is a very strong bond / connection that has grown over that time. Everyone else is just an acquaintence - no matter how long you've known them or how often you gt together with them. By that defintion, someone you've known for literally 40 years or more and still keep in touch may not actually be a friend! I doubt many people's definitions are that strict, but there are some who feel that way.

Of course the internet has introduced a very new concept that will take many years to sort through - the concept of an online friend or internet friend. By many people's definitions, that would be an impossibility. But is it?

There clearly (to me) are various levels of friendships. I think the simplest defintion I ran into is someone you know, like, and trust. I woudl contend that at it's most elementary level, you can have a casula friend if you know them somewhat, like them to the extent that you know them, and can trust them to some extent with certain things.

As those three elements grow, so does the intensity or degree or level of the friendship.

I suspect most people on the board here have a more relaxed view of friendship. I ran across this (somewhat corny) defintion from a to z; obviously it's contrived to fit each letter of the alphabet - and yet I think hits on a lot of things. In my mind, you don't need all 26 elements to have a friend, but if you have say 15-20 of them to some extent (and there is a lot of redundency in these elements anyway), I'd say that person is a friend - no matter what other people's defintion might be.

Any thoughts? For example - can "internet acquaintences" be friends at some level? Not necessarily in your opinion (since I suspect it would be yes for most of us), but what do you think other people you know feel about it?

The A-Z of friendship
A Friend....
Accepts you as you are
Believes in "you"
Calls you just to say "HI"
Doesn't give up on you
Envisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
Forgives your mistakes
Gives unconditionally
Helps you
Invites you over
Just "be" with you
Keeps you close at heart
Loves you for who you are
Makes a difference in your life
Never judges
Offers support
Picks you up
Quiets your fears
Raises your spirits
Says nice things about you
Tells you the truth when you need to hear it
Understands you
Values you
Walks beside you
X-plains things you don't understand
Yells when you won't listen and..
Zaps you back to reality
"Willoughby. Next stop is Willoughby."

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You Make it Easy
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Re: What is a friend?

#2 Post by You Make it Easy » Mon Jul 10, 2006 12:36 pm

52FM wrote:
There clearly (to me) are various levels of friendships. I think the simplest defintion I ran into is someone you know, like, and trust.
Of those three trust is by far the most important, if you cant trust someone then in no way can you think of them as a "good" friend. Most of us are guys here and I'm sure most of us pick on/get picked on by each other, sometimes it might not seem like they are your friends but all in all they are.

I personally dont have a single internet friend simply because I spend about 20 mins a day on the net and thats only when I'm at work. So my experience in that field is nil.

I can trust most of my "friends" but there are a few people I consider friends that I dont completely trust but all in all they are good people and I can talk to them whenever. Friendship is hard to define but most of us know who are friends are and who aint.
Waiting to be found...

jm
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#3 Post by jm » Thu Jul 13, 2006 7:48 pm

"I have one friend, and I married her.
I don't think I've really had more than one person in my life at a time that I really considered a friend."
Last edited by jm on Sat Feb 17, 2007 10:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

Pockets
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#4 Post by Pockets » Fri Feb 16, 2007 2:33 am

I agree that there are various levels of friendships and acquaintances. But I see that many people, particularly young people don't understand the difference.

For example, about a year ago, my boyfriend and I were attending his mother's second marriage. It was a wonderful gathering and his youngest sister had invited one of her girlfriends. We all had a great time. The next morning, during some discussion, his youngest sister announced that she had no friends. She was adamant about this. At the time, she was in college and a member of a sorority. She is a pretty blonde and perhaps a little selfish and self centered. Her idea of have a good time is to get drunk at a party. It may be a few years before she is mature enough for me to have any good talks with.

And the other classic example is my banishment from my life and my boyfriend's of a parasitic alcoholic acquaintance, name Mark. He was one of our friend's roommates and we all did get along on the surface. But then we would hear stories of really stupid things that he had done while drunk, so his company became less appealing to us. But on the surface, for social occasions, we were pleasant to him. He considered us his friends and we were quite useful to him as my boyfriend is so handy around cars. We introduced him to the sport of autocrossing. Then, he did something terrible to our friend, his roommate. He decided that he wanted to move (and it was to our neighborhood) and he took one of the other roommates with him. They told our friend the second week of the month that they hadn't paid rent and that they were leaving the apartment in two weeks. Our friend was both shocked and hurt to be abandoned like that. And as he couldn't afford to pay for their share of the apartment, he felt he had to also vacate the apartment. He ended up going back to his parents place in Canada with the intentions of going back to school. Anyway, so we are mad at Mark, but he thinks that we still like him. He actually drove around our area trying to find out house to drop in to say hi. He had a job at the bank locate in our grocery store and one day asked us exactly where we lived as he couldn't find us. I just came right out and told him that he was not welcome at our house... ever. Later on, he did something else to piss us off and I told him off bigtime. But it took a while to get the message across and he was surprised how much I disliked him. Our house is set back and we like our privacy since I own so many cars. I just don't want someone to try to steal any of them.

But anyway, my boyfriend and I have had many discussions over what a good friendship is. Trust is important, but also it should be a productive relationship with give and take on both sides. One side cannot keep taking, it doesn't matter how rich or generous the other person is. As I said in the other thread, my boyfriend is not a gift-giver. But I try to remind him to give back to his mother, who is very generous to her children. And as the rest of his family is in the south, I try to make sure that he stays in communication with his mom. His sisters are takers, particularly his youngest sister. She has some sort of princess complex. Also, as my boyfriend has only been living with me a short time, I try to encourage him to make new friends, and good ones.

Otherwise, I have several good female friends that I don't spend that much time in person with, but we stay in touch by email. One's from my high school days, two are from the antique show circuit and another two I met through eBay. I have a few male friends, but we are closer we they are between girlfriends.

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