OK - this one is not about me; well, it is by extension.
My daughter is having a serious time in getting over her boyfriend. Scary actually. I'm going to her school tonight to pick her up and hopefully snap her out of this. If not - then we may need professional help. Her symptoms are more than simple heartbreak.
Her boyfriend is essentially refusing to talk to her; this goes beyond a break up - it's to some extent emotional cruelty. One day they are talking as usual; the next day he decides he's had enough of her (and for good reason, by the way I have to admit) and decides it's over; the next several days he decides to treat her as if all the loving things he's ever said to her not only are not true now, but never were. In other words - how can he simply refuse to talk to her and not realize that she is going to react badly from that - and that all of us around her are seeing him in a VERY different light.
I don't care that he doesn't want to date my daughter. And I know she'll get over it - but for God's sake why turn 180 degrees overnight - as if he is actually TRYING to hurt her?? A small amount of human decency will tell him that she is going to go into emoitional shock over such an abrubt about face.
I went through the same thing 17 years ago with Charlotte. I know EXACTLY how she feels. One day the person says kind and caring things - the next day it's as though none of that was EVER real. It makes you doubt everything that was ever said and makes you feel like you exposed yourself foolishly AND defensively you'll never want to put yourself in that position again.
Well, another vent. I can't wait to hug my daughter and tell her everything will be fine. And tell her you can't stay in a shell no matter how it hurts.
Thanks yet again for the forum.
PLease wish me well - I need it
Moderator: Bob
Re: PLease wish me well - I need it
"[quote:c49c9d93a5="52FM"]I can't wait to hug my daughter and tell her everything will be fine. And tell her you can't stay in a shell no matter how it hurts.[/quote:c49c9d93a5]
Everything will be fine? I'm thirty-eight and still waiting for that to happen!
I would say just take her out to the mall or to somewhere where she usually likes to go, and do things with her, and and [b:c49c9d93a5]show her[/b:c49c9d93a5] that life goes on. But don't [b:c49c9d93a5]tell her[/b:c49c9d93a5] that life goes on...that'd be pretty annoying.
Good luck!"
Everything will be fine? I'm thirty-eight and still waiting for that to happen!
I would say just take her out to the mall or to somewhere where she usually likes to go, and do things with her, and and [b:c49c9d93a5]show her[/b:c49c9d93a5] that life goes on. But don't [b:c49c9d93a5]tell her[/b:c49c9d93a5] that life goes on...that'd be pretty annoying.
Good luck!"
Last edited by tsooml on Sat Feb 17, 2007 10:41 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Just Like Honey...
- Suntory Time
- Posts: 398
- Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2004 10:56 pm
- Location: Prince Edward Island, Canada
I've been faced with some more minor instances of that situation which I touched upon in another thread. I found it to be the most painful and confusing thing I have ever felt, and the pain and confusion fed on each other constantly increasing my anxiety and distress over the whole thing. I've still not recovered, also bearing in mind that it wasn't quite as intense as what she is going through. My prayers are with the both of you, and in my opinion, 52, there is no better man for the job.
I'd rather be a gear in a big, deterministic, physical machine than just some random swerving.
I appreciate all the comments and encouragement and compliments from everyone. I agree, JM, that she needs to be shown that life goes on. In fact, we didn’t pick her up Friday night because her friends at school took her to downtown Chicago for a night out. She then came home Saturday – but was in a funk all day. And then she contacted him – twice and ended up in tears. It’s gotten so she is doing cyber-stalking and finding out things that made her feel worse.
So I finally got a chance to talk to her alone and was very blunt. It’s amazing how her situation mirrors mine with my wife. I told her that if I was him – I’d probably dump her because she’s been far too possessive, demanding, obsessive, controlling, insecure – in general, a very unenjoyable person to be with. After talking more to her – it seems that he simply wants time away from her – and he’s been very direct in telling her that and she won’t listen. So he went to one word responses and she still wouldn’t leave him alone – and so he went to ignoring her.
He just wants a break – not a break-up. He wants time away from her to think and to talk to friends (two of which happen to be female, which my daughter cannot understand or stand.) So I told her she has to give him that time – and to keep bothering him will only make him conclude that he doesn’t want her. She cannot control the situation – but she can go back to being the girl he fell in love with.
Well, that’s it in a nutshell, but obviously there is a lot more. We’re setting up a timeframe of about 5 days or so that she doesn’t talk to him. My guess is that he loves her but she is scaring him. I then confided in my daughter that she is acting too much like her mother in her controlling – and too much like me in her reaction to his trying to get her to give him some space. And that maybe he’s not handling well, but I think he’s doing what’s best for both of them in the long run – rather than set a pattern of dominant – passive this early on. The mistake that I made in my own relationship.
She later said that he told her he is doing this for them – not just for him. I said that makes sense – give him the space he needs and see what happens. As far as the other girls – he’s just trying to get a female perspective. And maybe to some extent he also is feeling good realizing that other girls have good things to say about him. After how he could never do enough as far as she was concerned, how can you blame him? After all the questioning and nagging and controlling, he may have been feeling trapped – and I said someday I’ll tell you why I know this – but I know how a person feels when it gets that bad. He is handling it the best way he can. Trust him and your relationship – give him space – and he’ll be back.
Or he won’t. Either way, she learned something valuable.
Amazing the parallels with my situation; and amazing that my wife seems oblivious to those parallels. Well, not really – but she excuses her reactions to me as “but we’re married – they’re not.”
So I finally got a chance to talk to her alone and was very blunt. It’s amazing how her situation mirrors mine with my wife. I told her that if I was him – I’d probably dump her because she’s been far too possessive, demanding, obsessive, controlling, insecure – in general, a very unenjoyable person to be with. After talking more to her – it seems that he simply wants time away from her – and he’s been very direct in telling her that and she won’t listen. So he went to one word responses and she still wouldn’t leave him alone – and so he went to ignoring her.
He just wants a break – not a break-up. He wants time away from her to think and to talk to friends (two of which happen to be female, which my daughter cannot understand or stand.) So I told her she has to give him that time – and to keep bothering him will only make him conclude that he doesn’t want her. She cannot control the situation – but she can go back to being the girl he fell in love with.
Well, that’s it in a nutshell, but obviously there is a lot more. We’re setting up a timeframe of about 5 days or so that she doesn’t talk to him. My guess is that he loves her but she is scaring him. I then confided in my daughter that she is acting too much like her mother in her controlling – and too much like me in her reaction to his trying to get her to give him some space. And that maybe he’s not handling well, but I think he’s doing what’s best for both of them in the long run – rather than set a pattern of dominant – passive this early on. The mistake that I made in my own relationship.
She later said that he told her he is doing this for them – not just for him. I said that makes sense – give him the space he needs and see what happens. As far as the other girls – he’s just trying to get a female perspective. And maybe to some extent he also is feeling good realizing that other girls have good things to say about him. After how he could never do enough as far as she was concerned, how can you blame him? After all the questioning and nagging and controlling, he may have been feeling trapped – and I said someday I’ll tell you why I know this – but I know how a person feels when it gets that bad. He is handling it the best way he can. Trust him and your relationship – give him space – and he’ll be back.
Or he won’t. Either way, she learned something valuable.
Amazing the parallels with my situation; and amazing that my wife seems oblivious to those parallels. Well, not really – but she excuses her reactions to me as “but we’re married – they’re not.”
"[quote:f618bfedd4="52FM"]I appreciate all the comments and encouragement and compliments from everyone. I agree, JM, that she needs to be shown that life goes on.[/quote:f618bfedd4]
I did mean shown rather than told. Nothing worse than sincere platitudes when you're young enough to think that It's the End of the World!
[quote:f618bfedd4="52FM"]He just wants a break – not a break-up. He wants time away from her to think and to talk to friends (two of which happen to be female, which my daughter cannot understand or stand.) So I told her she has to give him that time – and to keep bothering him will only make him conclude that he doesn’t want her. She cannot control the situation – but she can go back to being the girl he fell in love with.[/quote:f618bfedd4]
I may be too cynical, but it sounds like he wants what he has to wait while he looks for something better.
Or [i:f618bfedd4]can[/i:f618bfedd4] you be [i:f618bfedd4]too[/i:f618bfedd4] cynical, about teenage "men"?"
I did mean shown rather than told. Nothing worse than sincere platitudes when you're young enough to think that It's the End of the World!
[quote:f618bfedd4="52FM"]He just wants a break – not a break-up. He wants time away from her to think and to talk to friends (two of which happen to be female, which my daughter cannot understand or stand.) So I told her she has to give him that time – and to keep bothering him will only make him conclude that he doesn’t want her. She cannot control the situation – but she can go back to being the girl he fell in love with.[/quote:f618bfedd4]
I may be too cynical, but it sounds like he wants what he has to wait while he looks for something better.
Or [i:f618bfedd4]can[/i:f618bfedd4] you be [i:f618bfedd4]too[/i:f618bfedd4] cynical, about teenage "men"?"
Last edited by tsooml on Sat Feb 17, 2007 10:28 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Just Like Honey...
- Suntory Time
- Posts: 398
- Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2004 10:56 pm
- Location: Prince Edward Island, Canada
JM - He's a nice guy who comes from a home where his father was a heavy drinker and trouble. He is gone (ran off with someone) and I don't know the support situation but I know his mom works two jobs. He's had to work hard since he was able to get himself through - drive a very old broken down car; dropped out of college, restarted, dropped out again; a lot of insecurity issues I suspect. But always was very good to my daughter and to us. Until now.
My daughter can come across spoiled - and since we are in a financial position to make her college years comfortable (though she pays for her own entertainment and clothes, we handle a lot more thna a lot of parents do), he at times resents her attitude. They've talked that through, but lately she said she's been acting that way twords him again - where he doesn't pay enough attention to her, send her enough messages - possesive and controlling which she admits.
Yes, she has a couple of male friends but they truly pose no concern to her boyfriend. His female friends probably don't either, but woudl have some potential to. she is not in a trust mode right now, for good reason I think.
The solution as it stands now is for her to give him the space he says he needs and see what he does.
My daughter can come across spoiled - and since we are in a financial position to make her college years comfortable (though she pays for her own entertainment and clothes, we handle a lot more thna a lot of parents do), he at times resents her attitude. They've talked that through, but lately she said she's been acting that way twords him again - where he doesn't pay enough attention to her, send her enough messages - possesive and controlling which she admits.
Yes, she has a couple of male friends but they truly pose no concern to her boyfriend. His female friends probably don't either, but woudl have some potential to. she is not in a trust mode right now, for good reason I think.
The solution as it stands now is for her to give him the space he says he needs and see what he does.
Well, they broke up. Not sure exactly how it all happened - and given the abrupt silent treatment he gave her I think he handled it poorly; but they talked it out last night - rather than text messages and emails - and they both ackowledged immature actions that they need to grow out of. In the end her controlling behavior was too much for him.
I give him credit for dealing with it - just not the way he did. (Hey, my daughter's hurt - I'm bound to have resentment to him). I also give her credit for listening to the tough love I gave her these last few days as she came face to face with her tendencies. I never would have had the self-assuredness to do that a year or so ago (especially since much of what I said was in direct opposition to my wife's opinions).
(It makes me think a little - do things happen for a reason or are we presented with opportunites that we either can take advantage of or not? Whichever - there is certainly a bit of a Butterfly Effect going on - certain sequences of events conspired to put me in a better position to help her. )
I admire them both for having the foresight to see the issues as critical and not simply try to accomodate them for the sake of staying together. As for my daughter - she is more than ever looking forward to her brother coming home from college himself in a few days. They have been very close their whole lives (being just a year apart) and she needs some of that right now.
I give him credit for dealing with it - just not the way he did. (Hey, my daughter's hurt - I'm bound to have resentment to him). I also give her credit for listening to the tough love I gave her these last few days as she came face to face with her tendencies. I never would have had the self-assuredness to do that a year or so ago (especially since much of what I said was in direct opposition to my wife's opinions).
(It makes me think a little - do things happen for a reason or are we presented with opportunites that we either can take advantage of or not? Whichever - there is certainly a bit of a Butterfly Effect going on - certain sequences of events conspired to put me in a better position to help her. )
I admire them both for having the foresight to see the issues as critical and not simply try to accomodate them for the sake of staying together. As for my daughter - she is more than ever looking forward to her brother coming home from college himself in a few days. They have been very close their whole lives (being just a year apart) and she needs some of that right now.
Thank you very much Ith!
Now she's beating herself up over the whole thing. Poor girl has some of the bad tendencies from both her mother and her father. But she has some of the good ones too. She'll come out of this a better person - and with the advantage of learning this at a young age as well.
Thanks everyone for letting me vent this out on the board.
Now she's beating herself up over the whole thing. Poor girl has some of the bad tendencies from both her mother and her father. But she has some of the good ones too. She'll come out of this a better person - and with the advantage of learning this at a young age as well.
Thanks everyone for letting me vent this out on the board.
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lemoncupcake
- Japanese Surfer
- Posts: 138
- Joined: Sat Jul 09, 2005 8:21 pm
Well, I think my daughter is finally coming out ofit all. We had a very good conversation last week at night - after she had a very good conversation with my wife earlier in the day. Getting advice and support from both of us helped her a lot - and getting it separately seemed to work best.
Her ex finally sat down with her and talked through how he felt. No need to detail - but his abrupt change in feelings actualy came over a long series of instnaces that she didn't pick up on. In summary - she was being very selfish, controlling, manipulative, and less than respectful. It's tough, but she sees it. Given the stress of school, work, helping at home, he needed to remove some stress and as the relationship became a negative for him - he needed to end it.
They are still friendly - he cares for her a lot. She is very sorry, and she wants another chance - but he doesn't feel he can do that right now.
In the end, she asked what's the best thing to do if she wants him back. I said nothing - stay in touch; but don't change for him - change for yourself.
I said she was fortunate that he was so honest – and she agreed it’s much easier to move on that way than wondering just what happened. She’ll still be sad at times I'm sure but she’ll be a better person for it.
On my side – our conversation ended with the first completely comfortable, sincere, loving hug we ever had. It’s a long story why that is (after all, she's 20 years old) – but I felt relieved and very happy that it finally happened.
I love her - and all my kids - very deeply. And I know they feel the same toward me.
Her ex finally sat down with her and talked through how he felt. No need to detail - but his abrupt change in feelings actualy came over a long series of instnaces that she didn't pick up on. In summary - she was being very selfish, controlling, manipulative, and less than respectful. It's tough, but she sees it. Given the stress of school, work, helping at home, he needed to remove some stress and as the relationship became a negative for him - he needed to end it.
They are still friendly - he cares for her a lot. She is very sorry, and she wants another chance - but he doesn't feel he can do that right now.
In the end, she asked what's the best thing to do if she wants him back. I said nothing - stay in touch; but don't change for him - change for yourself.
I said she was fortunate that he was so honest – and she agreed it’s much easier to move on that way than wondering just what happened. She’ll still be sad at times I'm sure but she’ll be a better person for it.
On my side – our conversation ended with the first completely comfortable, sincere, loving hug we ever had. It’s a long story why that is (after all, she's 20 years old) – but I felt relieved and very happy that it finally happened.
I love her - and all my kids - very deeply. And I know they feel the same toward me.
I just helped an internet friend through a crisis with her boyfriend. She's 24 or 25 and he's 28. I think that he's not right for her anyway. Too controlling and has major trust issues. He doesn't like any guys, even happily married ones, interacting with her. The crisis was him trying to break it off with her, and her begging to be taken back. They live about a ninety minute drive from each other. She was granted a chance to talk to him in person, he gave her the security code into his apartment building's parking lot. And in person, he was nicer to her. I guess it's easier to be cold and mean from a distance. *sigh* So anyway, they are trying again, but in about a year, my friend will be going back to school. I am hoping that there she will meet new friends and someone nicer to date.
Anyway, I think what helps in a bad breakup is a change of scenery. Can she visit some out-of-state relatives for a week or so? Your daughter should try not to visit any of her old haunts and go to different movie houses and eateries.
The first heartbreak is usually the worst. And with modern technology, I think that cellphones and even the old pagers really complicate a relationship. I've seen many a young person having an emotional meltdown because their boyfriend or girlfriend didn't answer their phone and it went on to voicemail. Why do we need to be so connected?
Good luck to your daughter.
Anyway, I think what helps in a bad breakup is a change of scenery. Can she visit some out-of-state relatives for a week or so? Your daughter should try not to visit any of her old haunts and go to different movie houses and eateries.
The first heartbreak is usually the worst. And with modern technology, I think that cellphones and even the old pagers really complicate a relationship. I've seen many a young person having an emotional meltdown because their boyfriend or girlfriend didn't answer their phone and it went on to voicemail. Why do we need to be so connected?
Good luck to your daughter.
Thanks, Pockets.
I very much agree about the "being so connected" sentiment. I don't know much about MySpace or Facebook (other than potential benefits and potential dangers) but I guess one or the other lists your relationship status. I don't remember the whole back and forth, but during the breakup they were both reading each other's pages. And so they were writing things knowing the other would see it - to try and get a reaction (jealousy primarily). And they'd switch their realtionship from "commited" to "single" to "complicated". And it woudl upset her ( and maybe him too.)
All that crap - instead of talking
I very much agree about the "being so connected" sentiment. I don't know much about MySpace or Facebook (other than potential benefits and potential dangers) but I guess one or the other lists your relationship status. I don't remember the whole back and forth, but during the breakup they were both reading each other's pages. And so they were writing things knowing the other would see it - to try and get a reaction (jealousy primarily). And they'd switch their realtionship from "commited" to "single" to "complicated". And it woudl upset her ( and maybe him too.)
All that crap - instead of talking
Try to get your daughter off the internet. That is not a healthy place for her social life to live. Thankfully, my 25 year old boyfriend abhors myspace and the ilk. His sister is always sending him invites, but he keeps refusing. But she was also in a sorority when in college, yet another social evil. Those "sisters" were never her true friends.
I was wondering, does your family have a dog yet? If not, and it fits in with your family's lifestyle, get a dog. I prefer shelter and rescue dogs myself, but dogs give unconditional love. Of if a dog is inconvenient, have her volunteer at a shelter or help out a rescue or local dog breeder. I've always had an independent streak and my parents never encouraged me to settle down, marry and have kids... so between my three serious relationships, I would be about year and a half not dating anyone, sort of a cleansing introspective period. I would take roadtrips for work, only accompanied by a dog. One of the best things about being single is being able to have all your dogs on the bed with you at night!!!
Another great activity is for your daughter to do a sport like autocrossing in the summer. It will make her a great driver and the guys will all be impressed. If she can be more independent and tomboy-ish, she will attract a higher quality guy imo.
I like having a cleansing period before dating again. Plus I feel that one can learn much from a failed relationship and make the next one a lot better. Many times, it's better to start fresh than try to resurrect a old one. And I've also learned to think before making my thoughts public. One can apologize for misspeaking, but it is never the same as not having spoken it at all.
I was wondering, does your family have a dog yet? If not, and it fits in with your family's lifestyle, get a dog. I prefer shelter and rescue dogs myself, but dogs give unconditional love. Of if a dog is inconvenient, have her volunteer at a shelter or help out a rescue or local dog breeder. I've always had an independent streak and my parents never encouraged me to settle down, marry and have kids... so between my three serious relationships, I would be about year and a half not dating anyone, sort of a cleansing introspective period. I would take roadtrips for work, only accompanied by a dog. One of the best things about being single is being able to have all your dogs on the bed with you at night!!!
Another great activity is for your daughter to do a sport like autocrossing in the summer. It will make her a great driver and the guys will all be impressed. If she can be more independent and tomboy-ish, she will attract a higher quality guy imo.
I like having a cleansing period before dating again. Plus I feel that one can learn much from a failed relationship and make the next one a lot better. Many times, it's better to start fresh than try to resurrect a old one. And I've also learned to think before making my thoughts public. One can apologize for misspeaking, but it is never the same as not having spoken it at all.
I forgot, my boyfriend's aunt wrote a book called Matchlines about relationship analysis. See if your library has it to borrow. Very good reading. She has a website: www.askdrmolly.com
My daughter lives away at college, so no pets (though she really wants one.) We have a dog at home named after my daughter's favorite old televison star (Lucy).
Being back at school has helped - except they still text message each other to be friendly. It led to another misunderstanding just recently that my daughter learned from and got over.
Her social life is very much with her friends and not on the internet - except of course to keep in touch with her friends at different schools. I think that's a great use of the internet. It's like anything else - it can be great and it can have its dangers. She'll have to find her own comfort zone with it because it's not going away.
Thanks for your thoughts, Pockets!
Being back at school has helped - except they still text message each other to be friendly. It led to another misunderstanding just recently that my daughter learned from and got over.
Her social life is very much with her friends and not on the internet - except of course to keep in touch with her friends at different schools. I think that's a great use of the internet. It's like anything else - it can be great and it can have its dangers. She'll have to find her own comfort zone with it because it's not going away.
Thanks for your thoughts, Pockets!