marriage?

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silvermoon
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#21 Post by silvermoon » Sun Feb 11, 2007 11:04 pm

yknow...i think thats very true. i have my moments where i doubt charlotte, and those moments can extend to days and days of self loathing misery. but then i think, the charlotte i know now is the most wonderful person i have ever met. shes my first girlfriend and my best friend. if anything...our relationship side is the part that needs strengthening, but as friends, we're perfect. i never wanted to be with any other girl because ive never connected as well with anyone. and i have known some beautiful girls in the past...if charlotte was a guy, it wouldnt make a difference.

we've had our problems, our fights, downright loathing. real soap opera stuff. and occasionally, i still feel that anger towards her. i cant forget the past. sometimes i wish i could. but if these things didnt happen, i would still be the naive boy i was not so long ago. the past is gone, and people can change. thats a basic human function, and its happened to me. its happened to her as well, and i truly love the person she has become in the last few months. i know i get all touchy-feely after watching scrubs, and tbh, i deleted my last, hate-filled, rage-fuelled post and replaced it with this one, but im on a high and im going to enjoy it. i spoke to charlotte again not so long ago, and she is getting much better. maybe that was why she was so chirpy and tender, but that there is the girl who has my heart. i wouldnt have it any other way. oh, and added bonus, turns out the phone calls i've been making to her are covered by my contract. ZIIING :D

Pockets
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#22 Post by Pockets » Mon Feb 12, 2007 1:08 am

Don't be too critical of your Charlotte as she is still young and very much in development. And you need to accept that she is going to have some interactions with other guys and you will just have to trust that you are the one that she loves. But if you deny her being friends with other men, that is shutting her off from half of the world's population and consequently not a very reasonable request. If anything, she needs to feel comfortable about telling you that other guys talk to her... plus if she has no only guys for comparison, then years from now, she's going to leave you to find out what she's missed.

So again, focus very hard on the friendship aspect of your relationship. Good friends last a lot longer than love relationships. Good friends are honest with each other. And whatever happens, remember that the first three years of any relationship is based on lust and infatuation, true love develops later on.

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#23 Post by silvermoon » Mon Feb 12, 2007 8:17 am

lol wow, and my last post was meant to be the overwhelmingly positive one :oops: I wonder what the response would have been if you had read the one i replaced...

i know that right now i come across as an insecure, jealous and unreasonable fool. i can promise you i wasnt always like this. there was a time when trust and understanding were my forte (thats largely why charlotte and i started out on the right foot).

im always happy to pimp out my dignity for some attention, so i'll refer you to the thread 'my charlotte', its in the lounge. its been locked down for a while so i havnt been able to add to it, and havnt much wanted to (although it has never been forgotten). as people have noted, it was locked so that i could begin a new chapter. happily that happened, it just occurred with the same charlotte. if you read it, you will wonder who the starry-eyed kid calling himself silvermoon is posting at the beginning. you can pinpoint the exact point at which i became the way i am now, its about page 12, at which point i learnt the meaning on naivety.

i would very much like to be that person again, the one who could easily trust and love unconditionally, but then i realise that when you are born, you are pure and innocent, and as you get older you are tainted by the world of adults. a bit melodramatic, i realise, but im just like that... :oops: im not that person anymore, but i guess thats a good thing, as im supposed to be growing up at this time, and i wont if things like this dont happen. still...would probably have been a good idea to have met other girls before her so it didnt hit as hard. :)

PS im not worried a jot about the comparison issue. shes an experienced one... :?

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#24 Post by Pockets » Mon Feb 12, 2007 9:31 am

I started reading your "my charlotte" thread two nights ago. I wanted to take my time reading it, rather than rushing and reading it all in one sitting.

I think that you are currently in a transitionally phase of adulthood and how you feel about relationships in general. During one point of your relationship with your Charlotte, I feel that you were very excited to have met someone you got alone so fabulously with and were naively optimistic about the outcome. And I saw that the older members were all wishing you well... and that was the honeymoon period of your relationship also. And life at a university is all about academics and personal dramas, and to be expected when you put that many thousands of young vibrant single people together in extremely close quarters. But later on, when you are graduated and in the working world, the life situation won't be so intensely soap opera-ish. You will have lower levels of hormones running through your veins and instead of only seeing people your own age, you will be surrounded by people of differing ages and most of them will be in stable relationships. College is like one big singles bar in an academic setting.

And because your relationship with Charlotte has hit some bumps, it's like a car, it's no longer has its original shiny perfect paint job despite your original intentions of taking care of how you parked it and how you were going to wash and wax it every week. But the reality is that every long term relationship, even the happy ones aren't perfect. Everyone fights and has misunderstandings with their mate. And relationships need constant maintenance and grooming like a garden. There is absolutely no couple that has floated through life without some disapointments with each other.

So I feel that in time, and it could take years, you will learn to relax and trust in a relationship again. Keep an open mind and heart, and life will bring you many interesting relationship experiences. Learn from every interaction with another human being. Learn how the human minds tick. And if you study human nature and put some more thought into who you spend time with, you will find that each new friend will be a better one. And I also think some of what you need is more self-confidence in yourself. You need to feel more highly of yourself and what you have to bring to a relationship, that you will no longer be afraid to trust whoever it is you are in a relationship.

Maybe with Charlotte, she is too beautiful and intelligent, maybe you secretly feel "out of her league" or have placed her on too high a pedestal. Throw out that pedestal and place her on equal ground with you. No one enjoys being on a pedestal every day. Once in a while is exhilarating, but honestly, being a respected equal is where it's at. It's a burden to have a reputation to live up to. On trust, well I feel that it helps a lot to be your mate's TRUE best friend, not just someone that you can be a chatterbox with. I've never been cheated on and especially with my current boyfriend, I feel that I am a terrific girlfriend and therefore I am confident that he would never even look at another woman. But I don't take my girlfriend position for granted, every day I do things that add to our life together. I'm certain that I can out-girlfriend your Charlotte, however... honestly I don't think that she is ready to be a great long term girlfriend, her main job right now is to get better, but also while she is at school, she has to be a good student and also a good daughter to her parents. Just as you aren't yet free from your family obligations, she is beholding to her family also, maybe even moreso being a girl. And another aspect of my being a better companion, I have a job and with that financial power and freedom. So stop expecting so much from your Charlottes as girlfriends at this point in your life. You probably won't end up marrying any of them, but still treat each one of them with consideration and respect. Also, try not to pick your potential girlfriends based on being struck by their looks and intelligence. Most outside beautiful people are not so pretty inside, and looks do fade over time. And I know a lot of intelligent assholes. You want to have as friends, people without too many personal issues, having a good sense of humor, a strong moral sense (not religious, but just decent values), a large measure of kindness and for the brain, a mix of commonsense and intellectualism. Make lots of female friends, go much slower in terms of kicking it up to a romantic level. At your age, view your fellow female students more like sisters. There is plenty of time to get hitched in the future. Not having a girlfriend all of the time does not make you a loser... and find a girl that feels the same way.

I have this mental image of your Charlotte being like Dicken's David Copperfield's first wife Dora... but give her several years to mature some more and she could become Agnes and a better companion.

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#25 Post by Pockets » Wed Feb 14, 2007 1:24 pm

I found these in Google's how to section and thought of you and your Charlotte:

http://www.wikihow.com/Have-a-Healthy-Relationship

http://www.wikihow.com/Tame-a-Free-Spirit

I think that you should at some point share the first one with your Charlotte.

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#26 Post by silvermoon » Fri Mar 02, 2007 8:17 pm

i just got back from amsterdam. i met my charlotte there, on her way back from home, and we flew back together. amsterdam was very nice, lovely place, except for the food. chips with mayonnaise does not constitute a delicacy for me. otherwise, it was great to see charlotte again after 3 weeks. i met her at the airport, getting off her plane, and she had changed her hair and she was walking with a crutch, but it was undeniably her, as beautiful as ever. we came home, and she slept on my shoulder on the plane. she had told me she missed me holding her at night, and when we got back to her place, we laid in bed, and fell asleep together. it felt amazing, like a semblance of normality. i felt so scared that i might hurt her while sleeping, but she just held me closer and told me not to worry. and, she came back with the gifts she promised, and more. i particularly like having her name stitched into my underwear, and mine in hers (rather, my nickname. fish). anyway, she is recovering slowly, but she is extremely tired for most of the day and she has a huge appetite (normally at 3am, and i get up to cook for her). i really like being here to take care of her, it feels so intimate, but also, i worry about her health, and why she isnt recovering as she was supposed to. maybe its still early, but i hope things start improving soon. but i guess its a good start that shes had the operation and is walking again. thanks for all your support everyone, it means a lot

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#27 Post by Pockets » Fri Mar 02, 2007 8:22 pm

Thanks for the update! I wish you both the best. And no matter what happens later on, it's always good for your karma to be kind and supportive to the people you love when they need it. And the love and support must be given with no strings attached.

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#28 Post by I65 » Fri Mar 02, 2007 10:21 pm

She's lucky to have you to care for her.

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silvermoon
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#29 Post by silvermoon » Sat Mar 10, 2007 8:33 pm

thank you very much for the kind words. things with charlotte are great right now. since coming back, she has begun to settle down again, and her life pattern is steadying, so i dont have to get up at 3am anymore to make her a sandwich. in this whole time, we have had only one brief disagreement between us, which is something of a record for us. and she finally finished that jumper she was knitting for me! she has yet to officially present it to me, but i have tried it on and it is beautiful. and we're going to start looking for a place together for next year very soon. all in all, things are looking great. the only slight niggle is that she is looking for a job or internship over summer, and that will mean we will be in different cities for about two months. i dont know how i will handle that. i have massive trust issues...and yet, i know that she loves me very much and i believe that she has no reason to betray me again. im just a worrier i guess. i am trying to figure out how i can fix this aspect of myself. but otherwise, things are perfect in almost every way right now. im happy, shes happy.

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